Idle Hands – Episode 3 –The New Girl – Part 2

[Author’s note: This is part 2 of 3 and will make not a whole lot of sense without part 1 which is here.]

The next morning Dee Dee slipped from behind a street lamppost in the middle of the town’s central park.  The grass was well watered but suffering under the summer’s heat.  The gray paving stones of the park’s walkways radiated heat back at the demon woman as she walked.  To her it seemed like a fine spring day but the people in the park were wilting under the heat and humidity.  In her pinstriped skirt-suit she stalked seductively through the park looking for her new boss.

“You are late.”  From the bench she just passed, the man in a sharp, red suit took a drink of coffee from a red ceramic mug.  The logo for Idle Hands, Inc. smiled from the side as he took a drink.

She smiled as sweet as she could, through the rough lines on her youthful looking face.  “Good morning to you too.  I was, um…”

“Sun glasses.  You should wear sun glasses, especially on the surface.”  He produced a pair of Ray Bans from a cloud of red smoke and tossed them to her. “Makes you look cool.  People like that.”

“I’m sorry,” She flipped the sunglasses back. “I already look cool, thanks.”

“No you don’t.  You look bitchy.  There’s a difference.  There’s cool, and then there’s frigid.”

“Excuse me?”

He put up his hands as an illustration.  “You are giving off two different vibes here.  One of them is ‘fuck me’ and the other is ‘I’m going to kick your ass.’  Combined, it comes out to looking bitchy.”

He stood up and his mug disappeared in another puff of red smoke.  “Let me help you out with something.  You may have been the big D’s pick for this position, but you are still my employee, and that makes me your boss.  You think that D gave you the run of the place, but you are wrong.  Use the glasses.”  She looked surprised that he was talking to her that way.  “Besides, you say way too much with your eyes.  You want to keep that you’re going to tell the big man that I’m mean to you a secret?  Use the glasses.”

She snatched back the sunglasses, put them on and said, “Yes sir!”

He looked at her and smirked “And don’t be smart.  Take a good look around.  The downtown’s screwed from unemployment.  A veritable playground.  See anyone you like?”

She looked at the men with newspapers and pens, some with briefcases in suits.  Pointing at a particularly rough looking young man, drinking from a tall boy beer, she said, “How about that guy?”

“Nah, He’s given up already.”

“Yeah, you’re right.  Taking that guy is a waste of time.  He’s already on his way to hell.”

He looked at her and raised an eyebrow.  “You still don’t understand the plan, do you?”

“I understand fine, I just think the plan is a little ‘pussy’ is all.  I mean, look at these fuckers.  You telling me any of them are good for shit?”

The man stroked his goatee, raised a finger, and pointed at the sour looking young woman.  “Hmm, well understand this.  We need workers, not slackers.  No matter how inherently evil, a slacker makes no impression on the world.  We want people to work to further the cause of misery, because through human suffering, comes human temptation.  It all has to fall out of free will.  People choose to give each other a hard time, leading to more and more desperate circumstances.  Eventually even good people turn to evil of their own free will.  It’s a domino effect, with each domino getting bigger.  And it’s working.  The big D must think so or else you wouldn’t be here.”

“Fine, we play it your way,” she added a snide, “Sir!  But I’d much rather be making some of these bastards’ nightmares come true.”

He quietly said, “This is a placement agency, not a dating service.  You can work on your love life in your own time.”


“You heard me.  So, you got anyone you like?”

“No, they all look like desperate losers.”

“Well maybe we can take a break and see if you can score some dates instead.”

She turned on her heel and put a hand on her hip.

Ignoring her poisonous stare, he said, “Come on, I think I have your challenge.”

🙂 😦 😉


“God, it’s hot.”  Sal slumped into the shady park bench.  The humid breeze reminded Sal of an open oven from which there was no relief.

The truth was he had seen many of the places that were hiring already.  Every one of them had said that they would keep his resume on file, in case something showed up.

He looked around at the buildings that ringed the park and imagined his resume residing in dozens of offices, just waiting to be hooked up with a job.  “Something is bound to happen,” he mumbled.

From a place beyond the vision of mortal eyes, Dee Dee and her new boss looked at Sal.  “Him?  That old fart is my test? And what is he, like, Fifty-two?  And he’s going to heaven, so far.”

He nodded.  “Yeah, and he still might, even if he keeps one of our jobs.  It’s a strange system, getting into heaven and it’s not even our concern.  We’re spreading woe through the abstract layer of the system, not singling out our workers for damnation.”

“Yeah, but…”

He cut her off.  “Look, I thought you were the people person and the crafty manipulator.  You think this guy can beat you?  I need to give you a challenge, not just a hall-pass to torment the living.”  He waived off the thought. “You get this guy one of our jobs and keep him there? You’re in.  If not, well…”

“How long?” Dee Dee looked at her hand.  It dissolved in a shower of sparks and twisting metal until it became a cell phone attached to her wrist.

“Month.  Five weeks to be exact.”

She snarled with more venom than should be possible with her girlish human face and tiny frame.  “Fine!  Save your reverse psychology bullshit.  Not only am I going to get this guy working for us, I’ll damn his soul too.”  She pressed a button and Sal’s cell phone beeped.


“Hi, this is Dee Dee from the Idle Hands employment agency.  We ran across your resume and would like to speak to you about a position we have opening up at Barron Brothers Holdings.  Do you have a moment?”

Sal looked around the park, cupping his hand to the phone.  Dee Dee watched him from her invisible vantage point.

“I guess I can take a moment.  One thing though.  What’s the pay rate?”

The small woman smiled a smile that was too wide for her face and she said, “I’m sure something can be arranged.”

🙂 😦 😉


Shelly came through the still un-repaired hole in the office wall and sat in a chair.  “She’s a total nightmare.”

Without taking his sunglasses up from the paper he was reading, the man behind the desk nodded. “I know”

“She’s totally botched my filing system and is an utter bitch!”

“I know”

“Did you know that she has been dating topsiders to death for sport?  Not to mention that she keeps leaving us with the bill at happy hour.”

The man looked up.  “That’s actually kind of funny.”

“Not on what you pay us it’s not.  She’s prancing around here like she runs the place.”

“I run the place.”

“Not for long and at this rate there won’t be anything left to run.  You’ve got to wonder what the Big D was thinking, sending her here.”

At that, he stopped and put down the paper.  “Ah yes, the Duke of Deceit.  I tell him we’re growing and need some help and he sends me someone to help force me out and no doubt send me back to eternal torment.”

He kicked back in his desk chair and laced his fingers.  “One thing I learned while wandering in hell’s endless desert is that a fervent devotion to deception, lying and chaos tends to make a being predictable, if you are organized and observant of its behavior.”

Shelly flipped her hand and a bit of blood oozed over her palm.  She mentally pulled it back in. “Moot point if you are sent down.  My afterlife is going to suck.”

Leaning forward, the man smiled under his sunglasses.  “Now shelly, would I make your hereafter a living hell?”

Her face brightened. “You have a plan?”

“I have better than a plan.  I have a man.”

🙂 😦 😉


Papers shuffled in nervous hands as Sal prepared for his first meeting at Barron Brothers Holdings.  It had taken three weeks to draw up detailed prospectus sheets on the two companies the firm was looking into and he was happy to find two solid companies.

He walked into the meeting room five minutes early to find people he didn’t know joking and talking.  “I’m sorry, I’m here for the ten o’clock meeting for Foster Inc. and Stewart Manufacturing.  Is this it?”

“Yes!  You must be Sal.”  The young man in a well pressed shirt offered his hand, but did not stand.  “I’m Duncan Barron.  Bill told me you have been going over the Foster and Stewart records with a microscope.  I appreciate the attention to detail.  But can you nutshell it for me?”

“Well, they both are medium manufacturing outfits with reasonable profit margins.  They are solid corporate citizens and both are in reasonable shape with no hidden bombs on the books…”

The smirking young man put up his hand.  “Just tell me, where’s the fat?”

“Excuse me?”  Sal still hadn’t sat down and everyone who had been in the meeting room were now looking at him with half smiles.

“Is there anything in these companies that is doing worse than other pieces?  Less profitable?”

“Well, the Medical Products Division of Foster has operated at a loss for the last two years, weighed down by R&D spending, but is working on a promising new material.  And Stewart’s Auto Parts Section has been hit hard by changes in the auto industry.”

“Ah, well, there you go.  We buy these companies, close down the crappy divisions and sell them off when their stock prices jump up.  Three years, max, make our money back tenfold and wash our hands of the whole thing.”

“But the R&D is what gave Foster the growth in the other sectors, and Stewart has a very good plan to modernize …”

“That’s great and all, but in the now, the companies are weak and our plan is a solid win for our shareholders.”

“But there are four thousand people working in those divisions!”

The room went quiet.  Everyone looked nervously at the seated young man in the crisp shirt and the standing older man in his rumpled brown suit.

The young man smiled. “Well they weren’t working hard enough to be profitable, now were they?  Maybe we can find someone who will want to buy them, but that’s not my concern.”

“Not our concern?  What do those four thousand people do?”

“Look for jobs.”  The room erupted in laughter.  “You are new, so here’s the deal.  It’s all about the quick flip here.  My only concern is to put lipstick on these pigs, make them all sexy looking and sell them to the highest bidder.  If I lop off a few limbs from them, fine.  Thanks for the reports, Sal.  I appreciate the quick turn around.”

The tall blonde man took the two binders from Sal and left him standing in the conference room.  He had the rude impression that he was being dismissed in all possible ways.

Sal looked around the room for a moment and couldn’t believe the apathy of the collected executives.  He turned on his heel and walked out of the meeting room.  As he walked, he could hear the room once again erupt in laughter and understood that he was probably the butt of the joke.

🙂 😦 😉


The rhythmic pumping under the railroad overpass came to a climactic stop.  In the pale blue light of an almost full moon, a large man rolled over and revealed a much smaller woman pulling down her miniskirt.  They laid side by side on the railroad tracks, using the hard steel as a pillow.  The smell of cheap happy hour drinks and sweat floated around the pair.

“Wow, you sure are a special kind of woman!”

“You know it, babe.”  She lit a cigarette with a spark from the tip of her finger and straightened her blonde bob cut wig.  “They don’t make them like you every day, either.”  Though there was a bit of sarcasm in her voice, he was much too drunk to hear it.  “It’s been so long for me, Stud.”

He had a goofy grin on his face, which increased the magnitude of his dough-like double chin. “I tell you what, this is the wildest thing I’ve done in … forever.”  He looked over at her, still grinning. “I mean it.  You really are something special.  I’ve got to get your number.”

She smiled a grin that was just ever so slightly wider than it should be.  “Oh, don’t worry, I’ll be sure to stop by so we can relive this night forever.”

“You mean it?”

“Sure I do.  Now lean over here.  I’ve got something to tell you.”  He leaned over onto his elbow and she cuddled up close to his ear.  She sweetly breathed into his ear, “train” and dissolved into a shocking mass of writhing metal that escaped under the oncoming locomotive.

The train passed in a loud, hot rush.  Squealing wheels trampled and crushed the lecherous drunk into man-cobbler.  Minutes passed as the train spread the gore for the better part of a mile before obliviously sliding around the bend and back into the night.

A shower of blue sparks and silver wire coalesced into the form of the woman wearing the blonde wig.  She stood looking at the tracks and watched the last remains of the lecher’s soul slip slowly down into the earth.

Her smile was just slightly too wide, as she said “Oh, we definitely will have to do this again.  But next time, I’ll be on top.”

A few Yards away, a door opened in a solid concrete wall, revealing a bland office corridor.  A man in a dark suit, colored black by the pale blue of the moonlight, came through the door.  She only barely acknowledged the man as she took off the blonde wig.  Her straight black hair, now free, fell to the middle of her back.

“Do you think this wig makes me look bitchy?”

“Uh, No.  It’s not the wig that makes you look bitchy.”

She looked over her shoulder with her hand on her hip.  “I suppose you are here to chastise my choice of dating activities.”

He put his hands up in the air as if in mock surrender.  “Hey, what you do on your own time is none of my business.  Just don’t drag it into the office.  Actually you have someone on hold, waiting for you at your desk.”

“Oh really?”  She smirked.  “They must be important for you to make a new door.  So who is it?”

He smiled. “It’s Sal.”

Her face went white and her smile disappeared as she ran through the door in the concrete slab.  The limbo workers were knocked off their feet by Dee Dee as she passed at a full sprint.  She threw herself into her office.  Straightening her skirt and putting her headset in her ear, she slammed at the phone to get Sal’s call.

“Hi Sal!”  She greeted him with a fake smile and saccharine sweetness in her voice.  “What can I do for you?”

Her face became white, then angry and finally started to crack while listening to the man ramble.  “So, Barron Brothers isn’t what you expected?”  She listened. “It’s really so bad you can’t work it out?  I mean…”  White hot sparks came from the small fissures, metal wires started to snake from the cracks and wind around her face, both binding and breaking.  “Sure, sure.  I understand.  Listen, um, can I possibly meet you somewhere where we can talk about this?  You know, I’d like to be your friend in this.  Maybe you just had a bad day or…”

She continued to nod and reveal more of her monstrous true appearance as a blank-eyed, limbo-bound soul came in carrying some paperwork.  “Sure, Sal, that sounds great.  I know that bar.  It really means a lot to me to see an – uh – upstanding man like yourself up and working.  So, let’s see if we can’t work this out.”  Her face was twisted in a demonic mask of metal wires, spikes and sparks as the last remains of her perky voice chirped “Ok!  See you there!  Bye!”

The man carrying the paperwork said in a limp voice, “Shelly wanted to make sure you filled out all the proper forms for Sal’s change in job status.  She’s a real stickler for that kind of thing.”

Dee Dee suddenly grew a mouth larger across than her desk and lunged at the man.  His eyes bolted wide with panic as she bit his head off with one sadistic “Chomp!”

🙂 😦 😉

Idle Hands – Episode 3 –The New Girl – Part 3

[Another Author’s Note: This is part 2.  Things get a touch nastier here, so … uh … hi mom! 🙂  Part 3 is coming up soon.

I’m still trying to figure out if I’m going Crabtree, Idle Hands or something else after I’m done with “The Strange” so if you like this, please hit the like button or if you have a comment, I’m up for those too.  By the way, “The Strange” is about to get a lot nastier too, so maybe, check that out?  Thanks.

And please spread the word!  I’m trying not to be a self-aggrandizing and pushy bore to people, but it’s tough to let potential readers know that any of this stuff is here.  I’m not advertising so any word of mouth is extremely helpful to me.

Thanks for reading and Stay Weird


Idle Hands – Episode 3 –The New Girl – Part 1

Hell, it seemed, had turned its eye toward the city and was slowly turning up the heat.  Yellow and red beams of light tangled with the humidity, becoming solid outside Patty’s bar.  Each red and yellow facet of stained-glass created its own flame, pouring fire out into the sweltering heat of the mid-summer night.

Out of the haze walked an older woman, her graying blonde hair curled by the humidity and heat. She opened the door to the bar and instead of finding the heart of an oven, she found cool relief.  This was not the furnace, it was a respite.  The furnace was the rest of the world.

Though she went up to the bartender, her eyes never left the lone man with a marked up classified section sticking out of his pocket.  “How’s our boy, Mitch?”

The middle-aged man in the rumpled, brown suit stared at his drink.  He looked through the ice cubes, moving them in the glass, making them chase each other around the bottom.

Mitch looked at him with a face of tentative, positive appraisal.  “He ain’t bad, considering.”

“Is he drunk?”

“Nope, just quiet.  He’s been looking at that same drink since I called you.  Seems he ain’t here to be cheered up as much as he don’t wanta feel down no more.  What he’s looking for is in that newspaper, not in that glass.”

The blonde shook her head.  “Sal had a big interview today.  I’m guessing it didn’t go so great.”

“Oh shit, Marcy, I’m sorry to hear that.  How are you all holding up?”

“We’re doing ok.  Got savings.  It’s just hard on him.”  She sighed.  “I better go.  Thanks for being a sweetie.”

“Hey, no problem.”

As the pretty, older blonde walked down the bar, Sal looked sideways at her.

As they watched, Sal seemed to be in a trance.  He stared into the half empty drink glass, at the ice cubes and he started to talk.  It was detached,  as if he weren’t really there.

“I’d be happy to just live up to the life you have given me, Marcy.  But without a job, I can’t pay my way.  I’m not living up to my promise to you, and I’m not living up to the promise I made to myself to do something worthwhile.  My skills aren’t that much, but they come from a life worth of study, and they can make things better for people.  No one wants them.”  He shook his head.  “I just want to be needed again.”

Stroking his shoulder, she said, “I need you, sweetie.  Come on, let’s go home.  Tomorrow’s another day.”

He nodded and absently slid from his bar stool.  He nodded to Mitch.

“Yeah.  See you, Sal.  You take it easy, big guy.”  He watched them go into the hot and muggy night.

🙂 😦 😉

A knock came at the office door and a young woman with a blonde pageboy haircut stuck her head in.  “You’ve got a guest here, boss.  He says he’s interviewing here?”

The man behind the office’s lone desk looked at his watch and said, “Yeah.  It’s a transfer request straight from the big D himself.  Send him in.  Oh, and Shelly,” he added, adjusting his reflective sunglasses, “What do you think of the guy?”

“What do I think?”  She snuck in the door and closed it.  Her slight frame seemed impossibly fragile, yet somehow more feminine than girlish.  “Well, he was kind of a dick to me when he came in, all bossy and ominous.  He lightened up a little after I got him a soda, though.”

“Not the good stuff.”

“Grocery store brand.  Put it in a cup so he wouldn’t bitch.”

“That’s my girl.”  He grinned, stroking his black goatee.  “So in other words, you’d do him.”

She nodded.  “Totally, but I think I’d rather slash my wrists than work for him.”  The tall blonde raised her forearms and giggled, showing long, deep razorblade slashes as she backed through the office door.  “So, you want him now?”

“Sure, send him in,” the man said with a wave.  The blonde girl disappeared and from the hallway he heard a loud thumping sound.  He tugged on his red suit jacket and smoothed his shiny black tie over his even blacker shirt.

Suddenly, the door, frame and all, ripped free of its place on the wall, with a sickening, tearing sound.  Through the hole strode a creature made of metal, wire and blue sparks.  It seemed to be in a constant state of unnatural motion as its arms and legs didn’t seem to keep their length or shape for very long.  The face was a rough sketch made of wire and metal plates, webbed over by constantly changing sparks.  A wicked smile that was much too large for the face grew even larger, showed the sparks that it used for teeth, then said in a voice that sounded like feedback and static, “I’m here to inquire about the job.”

The man wiped dust off of the sleeves of his suit coat and blew the dust off of the desk.  “Yes.  You must be Demon-go.” His hand darted out as he stood and smiled.  Behind the creature, plaster continued to fall. The limbo-bound souls who shuffled paperwork in the office couldn’t help but stare in amazement at the new opening the creature had just made.

“Actually sir, it’s pronounced Dee-MON-go.  Emphasis on the ‘MON.’”

Tipping his finger against his forehead, the man said, “Of course.  Well, are you ready to begin?”

“Sure.  Do you have a copy of my resume?”

“Yes, they sent me an email, and it’s printed…”

The ghastly sparking creature threw a stack of three papers on the desk. “Here you go.  This one has all my formatting and I printed it on some nice paper.”

Picking up the pages, the man felt the weight of them.  “Oh, this is nice paper!  So,” he looked at the resume, “Demongo, I see you have been in the Seriously Fucked Up Sins Department for the past millennium.  What exactly did you do there?”

“Well, I was sodomizing pedophiles,” the thing screeched out.

“Ah,” the man said, lacing his fingers.  “And why do you wish to leave your current position?”

The thing tilted his head and had a hard time looking into the man’s red and yellow sunglasses.  “Well, it was a great job in the beginning.  I started out really strong as a new guy and continued to refine my technique as I was promoted.  But for the last couple decades, I’ve hit a plateau with that kind of work.”

“Understandable.  Even the best of jobs can get old after a while.  I understand you had a lot of client interface in that job, talk to me about that.”

“Well, yeah.”  It smiled and the grin grew even further past the confines of where its face should be.  “It was usually like them saying ‘No!  Not again!’ And after a while I had to really work with them to get that nice scream of total despair out of them.  I mean, after being down there for a while, the clients kind of need some special attention every once in a while, just to keep things fresh for them.  I always gave that extra mile for the clients.”  A large spark shot from its large right eye and hit the curled up end of its humongous metallic smile.  “I like to think of myself as a people person.”

“Well good!”  The man in the red suit continued to read.  “And before that, you were in the Mischief making department.  You got to go out onto the earth and spread misfortune.”

“Ah yes.  I liked that job.  The pay was lousy but I really liked my co-workers.  And my boss, Mr. Woe, he was a right hellion.  Happy hours were a real scream!”

“I bet.  So, you think you can do this?  We place people in jobs here and the jobs are carefully selected to cause mischief.  Do you think you can be both friend and tormentor to these people?  It takes someone special to pull off this job.  It’s a blend of psychology, sweetness and force.”

“I hear that you are the best so I’m sure you will be able to teach me.  But yes, I feel comfortable lying to these fresh souls.”

“Well it’s not really about lying, more about a careful presentation.”  The man looked at the thing while resting back in his chair.  “And I almost forgot.  We do have a dress code here: ‘Business Casual.’  And you generally need to conform to a human appearance.  We’re all former earth souls here and it’s become customary.  Is that a problem for you?  It’s a bit of a lifestyle change, I understand.”

“I’m sorry.  No one mentioned it.  No, no problem at all.  I’ll change now, if you don’t mind.”

The man waved his hand.  “There’s a bathroom right across the hall if you want some…”  The thing had already sprung across the hall and ripped the door off of the woman’s room, eliciting a shriek from inside. “…privacy.”

He could see across the hall that the creature shrank so it could fit in the stall.  A hail of blue sparks shot around the bathroom as the creature assumed a human appearance.  Out of the stall came a small woman with straight black hair, and straight cut bangs.  Her small bust was further hidden by the pinstriped skirt suit.

She walked back into the office and asked, “Is this ok with the dress code?”

“Yes.”  His surprise was evident through his glasses, though he was more amused than shocked. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve a few more questions.”


“Well, I was wondering what kind of job you would like, under ideal circumstances.”

“You know, I’ve always wanted a job like this.  From what the big man tells me, it’s really about getting the earthly people to be wicked by employing them in select jobs and then send their tainted souls down here.”  She motioned to her resume.  “If I could be permitted to sell myself, I have the requisite skills and have always risen to the top in the positions I’ve held.  In mischief making, I was always very crafty at tricking people into ill will, or putting them in a frame of mind to sin.  Of course, in my last job, I had to fill some time in the nightmare section.  We did a lot of hunting there, and I really like the feeling of giving someone a good, bloody death.”

The man sat back in his chair and put his index fingers to his mouth.  “You know, that’s very interesting.  So, would you describe yourself as sadistic?”

“Oh, sure!  I’m a total sociopath, and I always take great pleasure in coming up with new and interesting ways to kill.”  Her girlish face showed a trace of her former wild unconstrained smile as she talked.  “I can’t wait for the opportunity to go after fresh meat on the surface, though.”  She practically purred. “I hear that they have particularly lovely screams.”

He leafed through the resume, scowling.  “Yes, I can see you are a very talented tormenter, and you do come highly recommended.  Well now, the challenge for me is to see if I can put you to the best possible use.”  He snapped the resume on the table.  “So, do you have any questions for me?”

“Well, I understand that the staff here is almost entirely former tormented souls that got out of their respective torture by agreeing to work with us.”

“Something like that.  In fact, all of our recruiters are former ‘top-siders’ like myself. But you would be our first full demon working here.  I hope that won’t be a problem.  The Big D wants us to have a more diverse workforce.”

“I’d have no problems working with you blackened souls.  I’m sure we can all get along.”

“While we’re on the subject of diversity, I want to mention that we’ve also just added a bunch of souls from limbo for our routine office work.  They are boring guys, but they keep the place running smoothly.”

“Really?  How does that work?”

“Well, if we don’t have them doing any actively evil work, they can be used for organizing duties.  Gives them something to do and helps Shelly out a ton!  We call them a ‘soft asset.’  So, before we wrap up the interview, is there anything else?”

She put on a fake smile that, again, was a touch too wide for her human face. “Actually, I’m a little confused.  The big man was talking to me like I’d already gotten the position and talking to you was kind of a formality.”

He smiled.  “As I said, you came highly recommended.  If you’d like, you can wait in the lobby.  I need to make a phone call.”  He got up out of his chair and extended his hand.

“Uh, Ok.”  She got up and shook his hand and made her way out through the hole in the wall.

He called after her.  “Um, could you…?”

He made a motion to the hole and she said, “Oops, Right.”  For someone so small and slight she displayed every bit of her previous strength by lifting the large slab of wall and fitting it into place as best she could.

The man looked at what used to be his office door and shook his head.  Picking up the receiver, he hit the first speed dial and was almost instantly connected.  “Yes, is this Nancy?  Hi!  Nice to talk to you again.  I was wondering if I could talk to the big D, please.  Is he busy?”

He leaned back in his chair and smiled.  “Thanks, Nancy.  Oh, and before I forget, thanks for the fast work on those reports.”  He nodded.  “Yes, I’ve got my staff poring over them as we speak.  I really appreciate it.  You run a tight ship there. Oh, and before I forget, those souls we got from limbo are a really great addition to my clerical staff.  They are fantastic office drones.  …  He’s free now?  Ok.  Of course, I’ll hold.”

He sat up in his chair and said, “Hello, Sir. …Yes, this is about the applicant you sent over. … Yes, Demongo.  … I agree, Sir. A charming girl. … Yes, a real go getter.”  A frown crossed his face as he listened.  “I understand that you want more actual Demons in high positions here at Idle Hands, but, … Well, yes.  But that’s the issue, isn’t it?  Since most of us, myself included, used to be surface people, we know how to work with ‘em.”

The phone chatted in his ear.  “Well, I’m glad that you are so interested in our project that you would like to franchise, but it’s really a subtle technique, and I’m afraid that Demongo is too heavy handed and sadistic for the system here.  I’m afraid that I’d like to decline your generous offer to have her on my staff.”

Great gouts of flame poured from the telephone’s earpiece, completely incinerating the man’s face and head.  As soon as the flames died down the man’s eyeballs re-grew out of dark red smoke.  While the rest of his head was coalescing from the same dark smoke, the eyes blinked in astonishment.  With his one hand still holding the telephone receiver, his other created a new set of sunglasses.

Putting the sunglasses over his wide eyes he said, “Sir, I can see your point.  Clearly, I’ve overlooked something in this girl that you cherish.  I’ll give her a shot, but if she doesn’t work out, I want to know that I can get rid of her.  I don’t want to compromise my efficiency by having to handle a problem employee.  I’m sure you can understand the importance of what we are doing here.”

The line was silent for a while then spoke.  The man heard the words and said, “Thank you.  I will set up a test for Demongo right away, so she can get a fair evaluation of her skills and,” he paused slightly at this last word, “temperament.”

He smiled and stroked his goatee.  “Yes sir, she will start in the morning.”

🙂 😦 😉

Idle Hands – Episode 3 –The New Girl – Part 2

[Author’s note: This is the second Idle Hands story, though the “episode” numbering is 3.  Long story, If I reorganize this to be a real serial, This bit might even go first.  In any event, I’m cutting it up into three sections just like Crabtree for the sake of convenience.

If this is a story you like, please give me likes on comments.  So far, the serial after The Strange (which is by no means done, is between this, more strange, Crabtree and a couple of other projects I’m working on.  I’d like to know what people like, so I’m asking.  I know my wife likes Idle Hands the best and that’s a strong vote for, but being evil is difficult.  🙂

What’s also difficult is getting the word out.  Please, if you like what you see here, tell a friend, or a stranger, or a friendly stranger or a strange friend.  I’m not advertizing and having days where no one is visiting me but spambots and my mom (hi mom) is a little… Well, it doesn’t help me churn out more words.

Thanks.  That’s it.   Stay Weird.

-SC ]

Crabtree – Ghost Light – Part 3

[Author’s Note: This is the last of three parts of a story that was cut into parts for convenience.  This ending will not make much sense without reading the other parts linked here: Crabtree – Ghost Light – Part 1Crabtree – Ghost Light – Part 2.  Thanks]

The next morning, Arun struggled down the stairs. Raymond, Lisa and Billy sat at the kitchen table.  He tried to scratch his fuzzy brain through is tussled hair.  “Uh, Hi.”

Raymond smiled with his face, but his eyes searched the young man.   “Hrm.  Yes, Hi.  Danish?”

He sat next to Lisa and squinted out a smile.  “Yeah, thanks.” With his mouth full he asked, “Got any coffee?”

Lisa pointed to a coffee maker on the counter.  “So how’s the hangover?”

Pouring some coffee Arun asked, “Good! Fine, thanks for asking.  It’s all grown up and healthy.”  He turned around and leaned against the counter.  “How’d you know?”

“You were particularly loud at three this morning.”

Billy said, “Ah, we were just having fun.  He was drinking extra for me.”

“Yeah.”  Arun jestured to the chair Billy sat in. “What he said.”

Raymond perked up.  “You will have to tell us what he said.”

“Yes, please, do grace us with your gift.”  Sarcasm seeped from Lisa’s pores.

“He said you look really sexy in that preppy L.L. Bean getup, but that sour face sorta spoils the look.”

Lisa smirked back and him and pulled apart her pastry.

“You know, that doesn’t sound like him.”  All trace of a smile evaporated from Raymond’s face.  “Maybe I’ve been impulsive in my hiring practices.”

“Yeah.  After all, you hired little miss ‘I get a vibe’ over here.  Bill said you’re a cute one but that you’re no Ines.”

“Hey!  I’ve tried to hone and refine my talent.  I bet you never had the intellectual curiosity to follow up on anything ever!”

“Yeah well, I been seeing people and things that no one else sees my whole life.  People hanging out in strange places, lights and shit.  Never really thought much of it except to keep my trap shut and move on.  Seeing weird shit that doesn’t concern me doesn’t pay the rent.”

“Well it does now.”  They both looked at Raymond.  “If you two are done, I’d like to get working.  Arun, you will need to go over the specs on the listening equipment we will continue to set up once we get back on site today.  Lisa, can you get a copy of the psycho-activity and traumatic even history for Arun.”

“But I…”

“Please.  Thanks.”  Raymond was calm but firm.

She stomped out of the room, shooting a side glance at Arun.

The very tan young man snorted then turned to face Raymond.  “Chicks, I tell ya.”

“You aren’t getting started well here.  Being friendly with Billy will only get you so far.”

“Dude, Relax.”  Billy talked to his brother, though only Arun could hear.  “Lisa was a mistake.  All she can do is research stuff.”

“You and I are going to be finishing the sensor setups.  We had some acute phenomenon the last time we were there and I think we’ll do better on that score in bright daylight.  Spirits are weaker then.”

“So maybe I can beat Billy at football now?”

Raymond gave a half grin.  “Don’t bet on it.  We play a very high-level game here.  Lots of practice.  Anyway, I hope this is the last I’ll have to talk to you about this.  This is an old house and we’ve got the guest wing on the one side and our rooms over here.  I’m not giving you a guest room so you have to be cognizant that other people are very close by.  And Lisa didn’t have a very good first day to boot.  You really stepped in it, Arun, and maybe you should apologize to her.  I need a team here.”

Arun grimaced.  “Yeah, Ok. But you know, it wasn’t all fun and games last night, it was a working happy hour.  Billy had a few friends over and I got the rundown of some of this spirit world stuff.  I think I got the gist of it.  Spirits are souls that turn away from the light, etc.”

“So why is Billy still with us?”

Billy shrugged his shoulders and Arun interpreted. “He’s getting around to it I guess?”

“Hm. Now that sounds like him.”


Dusk fell over the converted barn of a theater.  The white cargo van crunched over the gravel parking lot and parked outside of the large front doors and fell silent, the dual cones of light from the headlights blinking out to let the shadows take over.

Unseen in the darkness, WiFi signals zipped through the air between the van and the theater, creating a pathway for data.  And through that pathway, a video feed streamed in.

In the back of the van, a monitor setup played the live feed from inside the theater. Raymond and Lisa took the two chairs, leaving Arun to look from between their shoulders.  At first the movement was subtle, but eventually ropes began to wiggle in mid-air across the center of the stage.  This was a highlight until two hatchets appeared from back stage and flew through the air down the center isle of the theater.  Before they could strike anything, they were pulled back and began bobbing and weaving on the stage with the ropes.

“Man that is jacked up,” Arun whispered.

Lisa made a note in the thick binder she held in her lap.  “The physical manifestations are increasing even since we were here last.  What do you make of it, Raymond?”

Arun was nonplussed. “What, you aren’t going to ask me?  I thought I was the Spookinator.”

“Well, for one thing,” Lisa said, not looking up from her binder. “Raymond has a brain, Mr. ‘Nator.”

“I’ve got brains enough to know that this thing is showing off for us and the cameras.”

Raymond nodded.  “I think I’d agree with Arun on this.  It looks like we have stirred the hornets’ nest and they are putting on a show for us.”

“Well, it IS a theater.”

“Hey, little Miss. Turtleneck has a sense of humor after all.”  He turned to Raymond.  “So Boss, how we gonna play it?  Do we all go in or just me?”

Raymond looked at Lisa.  At the mention of going inside, her posture stiffened.  “Why don’t you and I go.  Lisa will monitor us from here.”

With her hand on her notes about this case, she saw them enter the back of the theater.  Instantly, Arun stopped.  “Hey, you!  Playing with the ropes!  What’s your name?  Luigi?  Hey Luigi, why don’t you put those things down before you hurt somebody and let’s talk about how you are going to go away and leave these folks alone.”

As Arun walked down the isle with his chest out, leading Raymond.  Lisa had a bad feeling about this.


The small kitchen at the back of the store had only enough room for a small table and two chairs.  Marta set down the warmed up pie slice and turned to the refrigerator.  A lean gray tabby rubbed at her ankles and purred.

“Hello Mrs. Kitty.  No, No pie for you I’m afraid.  A touch too sweet for you,”  She grabbed the vanilla ice cream from the freezer and added, “but I bet you’d like some alamode.”

Suddenly the cat hissed.

“What’s the matter?” She asked, then stiffened.

Seated at the other chair of her table was a dark haired pale woman dressed in a dark, gossamer dress. “Good Evening Marta.”

“Oh!” Marta started, then willed herself calm.  She retrieved a spoon and said “Oh, hello Winifred.”

The woman smiled with teeth.  “It’s been a while.”

“Yes… yes-well, I wouldn’t suppose you would like some pie.” She scooped some ice cream over her plate and made a show of it to Winifred.  “It-really-is-to-die-for.”

“Cute.  You know why I’m here.”

Marta put away the ice cream, still deliberately avoiding the woman’s gaze. “Haven’t-the-foggiest.”

“The Farmer…” Winifred fumed. “The Baker…”

“…The-apple-wine-maker!” Marta sat and grinned.  “I can play this game t…”

“Crabtree!” she shouted, her anger making the room seem darker.  “You helped him!”

“I plied my trade.  I suppose you and yours would have me starve then?  Am I no longer useful to you?”

“The Farmer foolishly tampers with things that are not his.”

“But you would claim to own them?  Do you believe yourselves so powerful that you hold dominion over this world and all others?”

Winifred scoffed. “Yes.”

“Then tell me, Winnie,” Marta paused to take a bite of pie then asked, “why are you here?  Because if such is the scope of your reach, surely you don’t think that the broken toy I threw Raymond’s way would be any obstacle to you and yours.  Besides, don’t you think it would have been a touch suspicious if I had given him nothing?”

“Your tongue’s edge has two sides, old woman.  You’d be wise not to wag it so much.  You might cut yourself.” Winifred sighed, “However, I see the wisdom of your actions.”

“You may belittle him as ‘the farmer’ but you do so at your peril.  Raymond is resourceful, intelligent and motivated.  After all, he did find Ines all on his own.”

“And lost her the same way.  Our plans are too delicate to have another such interloper in the highlands.”

“But it is the nature of people to be curious. Had I not introduced him to the girl he would have continued to search.  Besides, what your church is proposing, the side effects…”

“Do not concern you.  This is a courtesy call, Marta, not a discussion or a debate about things long settled.  Do not interfere with the church.”

“And again, I don’t work for you.  I don’t work for Raymond either.  Keep me out of your affairs and I will stay out of yours, but do not presume to rob me of my birthright or deny me my livelihood.”

“You are week old woman.  We are strong and many.”  Winifred gathered herself and walked towards the shop’s front door muttering. “You would be wise to watch your step.”

A few moments later, Miss Kitty jumped up onto the small table and licked at the puddle of melted icecream with enthusiasm.  She avoided the fork, which was still in Marta’s hand, unmoving.  Her face, once flippant, with rosy cheeks and a knowing smile sat frozen in fear, her complexion the color of ash.

“Tea,” she said, finally. “Mustn’t have pie without tea.”


Raymond passed behind Arun, going left to right.  “You know, you aren’t very smart, are you?”

“I’ve got it all under control.”  He stared into the face of the exasperated and now ticked off Luigi.

“Where’s that big mouth now, tough guy?”

Approaching now from the right, Raymond said, “Hrm.  That means I can go and wait in the car, if you have it under control, and all.”

The sprit raised an eyebrow.  “What, you came all this way, and now your friend doesn’t want to hang out?”  Before Arun’s astonished eyes, Luigi’s face turned clockwise and the rest of his body swept like a giant clock hand to match.  “How about you, Arun?  Are you comfortable hanging around?”

Coming once again from the left, Raymond said, “I’m going to take your frozen silence as a bad sign.  He’s doing something scary, right?”

As the sweeping figure of Luigi passed nine, Arun cleared his throat.  “Um, he’s sorta freaking me out here.”

“I’d just like to entertain.” The spirit stared directly into his eyes, even as his body rotated around the axis of his nose. “God only knows there is so little around here that is entertaining.  It’s horrible, but I believe the age of good live performances on the stage is dead.”

Luigi was now totally inverted at high noon to Arun.  His ghostly work boots touched the stage.  The spirit walked over to Raymond, who, like Arun, was tied up, upside down.  Unlike the young medium, Raymond was swinging like a pendulum at the end of his rope.  Unseen by the middle-aged man, the spirit came over and gave him a new push, sending him higher.

“You know, they used to have good comedy here, Burns and Allen, Bob Hope type stuff.  They had vaudeville with lots of piano.  That was before my time, understand, but I did see some of it as a kid.  That’s what got me into this racket.”

“So, you know, when I died here, and just sorta got stuck in the playhouse, I really didn’t mind.  They had all sorts of shows, through the war years, and through the post war years and right up until the seventies, I guess.  Then stuff changed.”

“Everyone had to be a damned artist all of a sudden.  You couldn’t just put on a play without it being more clever or having some catch that the more you thought of it, the more dumb it was.  But really, it was the idea that the gimmick sold the show, not the performance.”  He walked the stage, the creaking footsteps betraying his motion.  “I’ve been watching for years as these arty pants have made theater just no fun anymore.  Since I can’t leave, I can try to scare people so they don’t continue to bore me to death and beyond.”  He lifted the hatchet.  “And since you all don’t seem convinced, let’s see how scary a killer ghost is.”

Arun looked at him and sobbed.  “We are so dead.”

Luigi lifted the hatchet high in the sky, and had a fiendish look in his eye when a soft voice called out from the back of the theater.  “Actually, you aren’t dead.”

The ghost’s spectral head whipped around.  “Excuse me?”

“What did you find, Lisa?” Raymond said, still swinging.

She fumbled with the papers and “It says here that a Luigi Romano was critically injured by a fall, stage left.”  She pointed to her right and walked down the center isle of the theater.  “He experienced almost total amnesia and lost a lot of blood but did not die.  Luigi Romano is still alive in a nursing home outside of Latrobe.  Having never regained his memories, he adopted a new name Simon West.  He gave up being a stage hand and went into carpentry.”

Raymond swayed at the end of his rope.  “So what keeps him here?”

Searching through her memory, Lisa paced. “Memory and trauma.  Blood.  These are all potentially very powerful information flows and substances according to my alchemical and paranormal studies.”

“Oh Jeez, Really!?” Arun said

“Shut up” both Raymond and Luigi said at about the same time.

“Go on,” Raymond urged.

“Well, it’s impossible to know the precise interaction but what amounted to a powerful spontaneous binding spell happened in the midst of the accident.  Sort of like a car crash cleanly severing a limb or … well whatever. You get the drift. In any event, this is where his memory ended … and why his memory ended … even though the body lived.   Combined with the special mystical properties of his blood seeping into the cracks in the floor … Oh! I’m not explaining this well … his energy… it remains trapped here.”  She pointed to a specific spot.  “Right there, to be precise.”

The ropes slackened, sending both men to the floor.  The spirit disappeared and reappeared next to Lisa.  “Yes, the place where my life ended.”

Her jump was sudden, but Arun could see that the ghost paid it no mind.  Lisa looked for the spirit with her heart.  “I know you feel sad.  I’m sorry to bring it up, but we want…”  She swallowed.  “I need to help you get through this.”

“I wondered why they took me away, why there was no light, why I couldn’t leave the theater.”

Arun dusted himself off. “Dude, there’s no light because you didn’t die.”

“Well there must be some way to gain peace.  I can’t stand another season of ‘Our Town’ by Mrs. Mumbles and the barely on cue players.”

“He says he wants to gain peace.  There must be some way we can put a lid on this case.”

Raymond straightened his sweater vest.  “It’s a good thing that we have the name of a carpenter, then,” They all looked at him. He dusted his clothes off and added, “Though I understand Mr. West is retired.”


“So you say these boards hold a part of my spirit?”  The old man eyed Raymond and the pile of wide floor boards.

Raymond was resolute.  “Yes sir.”

“And you realize how nuts that sounds?”

“Absolutely, but if I let that bother me I wouldn’t leave the house.”

The old man eyed up Raymond.  He smiled.  “Fair enough.  You want some Iced Tea?”

Leaving the boards on the front porch, Raymond went inside.  Arun could already see Luigi sitting in the porch’s rocking chair.  Seeing his small smile, Lisa asked him, “So, what do you see?”

“Well, Luigi has taken to streaking.” He put his hands up in horror. “Now he’s retying his shoes. Ugh! God!”

“You are such a jerk.  That’s not even a good joke.”

“Everyone’s a critic.”

“But he’s here isn’t he?” Her face relaxed and the nit in her brow loosened. “Bringing the boards worked just like I said, didn’t it?”

“Maybe he’s just haunting you now?”

She scrunched up her nose.  “Well now that’s just dumb.”

“Did you just call me stupid?”

“I properly labeled something as dumb.  At the time I was referring to your comment, but if you’d like to take that label onto yourself, I will not stop you.”

“So you did just call me stupid!”

The old man saw the two young adults bicker in the driveway and chuckled.  “Nice crew.  Reminds me of my kids.”

Raymond nodded.  “So, sir, you don’t seem surprised about the story I told you.”

“I’ve worked with wood for decades.  I know it has a soul.”  He smoothed his hand over the back of a chair. “Honestly, I always felt that I was missing a part ever since the accident.  It’s not too far a stretch for me to think it’s here.”

Raymond nodded.  “So what are you going to make out of them?”

“A coffin.”  The man looked up.  Raymond couldn’t hide his shock.  “Cancer is a real bastard, but at least it’s reliable.  Something was bound to get me.”

The old man gestured to the two.  Arun was gesturing with his hands while Lisa stood on one hip pointing solidly at the ground.  Their words were lost in the distance, but the interaction was clear.  “So, now that you’ve solved this issue, what are you going to do with those two?”

“I don’t know.  This is a sideline.  I’m a chief at heart, you see.  I can keep them on for a bit.  Stabilize things with the farm and all.” He blew out. “It’s a management thing, though.  Resources to need and all.  Thing is, between the one being super-sensitive and the other being super-studious and sensitive in other ways … empathic, I’ve got the perfect team.”  They heard a high-pitched scream.  “If I can keep them from killing each other.”

“Yeah, well, that’s always a challenge when you have family, and you seem like a man who would do a lot for family, am I right?”

Raymond Crabtree looked at the man and said, “You would not believe what I’d do for family.  We’ll work this out somehow.”  The two older men and the spirit watched the two young people fight over nothing as the morning sun burned the last of the dew from the shadowy places.  Over the treetops could be heard young voices shouting.




Crabtree – Ghost Light – Part 2

[Author’s note : This is a straight up continuation of the story from part 1 and won’t make a ton of sense on its own.  Feel free to read it here: Crabtree – Ghost Light – Part 1.  Thanks – SC]

“That’s nice.”  The young brunette licked some jelly off a spoon.  “Not too sweet.”

“Mmm Hmm.  Well, I’d have to confess, these grapes make much better jelly than wine, I’m afraid.  Although the hipsters don’t seem to notice.”

She smiled and froze like a caught mouse.  A giggle coughed out.  “I promise I won’t tell a soul.”

Billy stuck his head in the doorway and looked at the two.  They didn’t seem to notice him.  Feeling awkward, Billy retreated into the hallway and slumped into one of the ornate high-backed chairs.

“So why chase ghosts, Mr. Crabtree?”

“I don’t.  And it’s still Raymond.”  He smiled.  “I investigate paranormal cases.  Ghosts are just one of many phenomena.  Why do you see ghosts?”

“Well, I don’t really.”  She talked to the ground.  “I sense … things.”  Swishing her bouncy brunette hair over her shoulder she made eye contact with Raymond.  “I believe from talking to people and my own research that I’m in touch with spirits.  But I’m not nearly practiced enough.  Your last assistant; I heard she was quite adept.”

“She’d pick a paranormal pea out from under a stack of lies and myth a mile high.”  The older man shrugged with his face.  “Though she left me in the lurch, I can’t say she was anything but a top rate medium.”

“That’s rather kind of you.”  The young woman’s eyes sparkled.

He shyly examined his teacup. “So how about you?  For instance, here, are you picking up anything?”

“I think I felt something.  Hard to place.  Not threatening and not particularly motivated, just creepy.  Like I would like to get clean or take a bath.  Does that make any sense?”

“You mean slimy?”

Her face lit like a light. “Yeah!  That’s it.”

“Hm.  I’ll take a chance here.  You’ve got the job.  Ines lived upstairs and you are welcome to have her room.”

The light in her face grew even brighter.  “I won’t let you down.  I’ll be back later with my stuff.”




Raymond watched her small blue hatchback circle the driveway and exit through the gate.  He gave a small wave as she drove down the lane and out of sight.

From behind him, Billy said, “You know she’s not buying your nice older guy gentleman routine.  I mean, she’s not a total scam, but she sure ain’t Ines and she’s not anywhere near as sensitive as we need.”

“Hm.  She’s imperfect, but she’s the best we’ve got.  And under the circumstances, she’ll have to do.”

“I guess.”

Raymond looked at the rummaged tea service, and his notes.  “Hm.  Forget this.  I’m totally going to tame you at computer football.”

Grinning, Billy said, “You are so on, bro.”




A young man drove his motorbike up the driveway of the Crabtree’s stone house and again checked the address on the package.  He pulled off his helmet to reveal his sharp features and dark Indian skin.  “Must be the place.  Talk about the middle of nowhere.”  Arun Monohoran’s accent was all Pittsburgh.

He walked up the stairs and knocked on the solid oak door.  Using his hand for shade, he looked through the frosted window.  “Hello!  I got a package here!  I need a signature!”

Billy walked past the window and he said, “Hey!  Blondie!  Package!  Need a signature”

Billy looked surprised and even looked for someone behind him.

“Yeah, you.  Who else?”

Billy got up from behind the desk and carefully unlocked the door.

“You Raymond Crabtree?”

Billy tilted his head.  “No, I’m Billy.”

“Whatever.  I need a signature for this package.”

Billy took the package and the clip board and carefully signed his name.

Arun looked around.  “What do you all do out here anyway.”

The blonde young man smiled.  “We make alcohol, deserts, flowers and play video football. Care for a drink?”

“You make booze here?” Arun smiled. “Sure.  What’d you say your name was?”

“Billy.  Billy Crabtree.”

“Arun Monohoran.”  He stuck out his hand.  Billy smiled and shook it carefully.

“Hey, you any good at videogames?  I’ve got everything here.”




Raymond and Lisa both carried boxes into the theatre.  Once inside, Lisa swept her eyes over the high ceiling and the stage.  Raymond was concerned.

“You getting anything?”

“No.” She shook her head quickly “I just feel cold.”

Grunting, he put down his box. “Well from the witnesses, our friend here is not the shy type.”  He tilted his head at the stage where a single light was set up.  “I wonder if that’s for him.”

“Nah, that’s a ‘ghost light.’  You always want to leave a light on the stage so people can see the edge.”  Raymond raised an eyebrow and she smiled.  “I was a drama geek in high school.”

“Hm.  Good.  You can help with the cameras.  They work like can lights.”  He opened one of his cases on the ground, revealing four camera setups.  “I’m going to want full coverage of this place.  Let’s make sure everything is observable from at least two angles for triangulation.”

Lisa looked at the camera setup.  It was actually two cameras, a cardioid microphone and a wireless transmitter, set in a custom made metal housing.  “You make this stuff yourself?”

“Just the mountings.  The big deal, is interpreting the data.”

“So you’ve got all this, what do you need me for?”

“This can only point in the vague direction of the issue.  I need a medium to help with the other side of things.”  He turned around and fetched one of the small camera units.

“How many of these have you done so far?”

“A few dozen.  This is a really good case.  They are paying and we have plenty of witnesses.”  He smiled. “Let’s place these cameras and check the place out.”

They carefully followed the map Raymond brought in order to get all the right angles on the entire building.  He covered both above and below the balcony/loft and went up on the stage when Lisa stopped.

“It’s cold here.”  She rubbed her shoulders with her hands.  “I don’t feel welcome.”

Raymond put out his hand.  “It does seem a little drafty here.”

She walked across the stage to be with Raymond.  “No, really.  I get the feeling that we should leave.”

The older man examined her face.  “That may be, but we are here to investigate.  We can’t let what we came here to see frighten us off.”  Placing his hand on her shoulder, he said, “Come on, I’ll be right here.  We just need to place the cameras.  Half hour max if we get to it.”

“Yeah, Ok. And why all the cameras?  I mean, I’m new to field work due to … my specialty … but on the shows, they rarely have more than a couple of views of things.”

“Well, we want to get everything from many different angles – cuts out the artifacts and such.  Also, I figure we’ll be set up for a couple of weeks to get a good sample.”


“Well yeah.  Those people who think they can figure stuff out in a day or two with only a couple of sensors are unscientific morons.  This is like any other social phenomenon, it takes observation.”

“That seems a little calculating, considering the subject matter.”

“Well let me ask you – do you haul off and marry some guy after a single date?”


“Yeah, that would be dumb.  You’d only get a little piece of what they are about.  The rest of the picture, if you choose to form one, would say more about you than the dude.  Hm. The same applies here.  We don’t want a ghost story, we want answers.  Less mystical and scary that way, but much more satisfying.”

“So, the longer we look at it, the less frightening it is?”

“That’s not where I was going, but I guess you could say that.  Again, it’s about data and resolution.  We get the data from the cameras, and your observations, and we research…” He looked up to fix her with an impressed gaze. “…I’m really excited about your write up on this so far, very thorough….” He went back to his set up. “And then we look for the anomalies and how we can help everyone, spirits and people alike.”

She grabbed a camera mount and looked up into the ancient rigging system above the stage.  The ropes were swinging in the slight breeze.  All at once, they stopped.  “Raymond?”  Her voice was weak and her eyes wide with fright.

Flipping a master switch, she grabbed the basketball sized camera mount and pointed it at the rafters.  Her hands trembled as she looked up.

“Yeah, Just a second.  Good, your camera and sensors are on and recording.  Should get a picture just as soon as I get the monitors going.  Nice.”  He walked back to the door, looking for a piece of equipment.

Up above the stage, the ropes were now starting to join with each other, dancing around in a circle.  All too soon they wove themselves together into a crude face, with two eyes and a mouth.  The ropes danced, giving the illusion that one eye grew suddenly huge.  Lisa felt exposed under its gaze.  She tried to call out, but all she could manage was a frozen squeak.  The huge eye retreated and the whole face was in the ropes again.

In one swift move, the rope mouth became huge and lunged down toward the stage.  The young brunette screamed and dropped the camera.  In a panic, she rushed off the stage, jumping down five feet into the orchestra area, then scrambling up the three foot wall to run screaming down the center isle of the theater.

Bursting through the doors, she ran out into the grey fall day. The misty outside air made her feel better almost instantly.  She no longer had the biological imperative to flee so firmly and forcefully bouncing about in her primitive brain.

Some twenty feet outside the theatre’s rear entrance, she found herself standing on a bit of damp lawn and realized what she had just done.  Her body crumpled and she fell to her knees.  The long wavey locks of her hair hid her face as she bent forward, pushing her jeans clad knees into the moist sod.

Silent sobs jerked at her curled over back.  Breath came in gasps as her face moistened into a damp mess.

Footsteps on the gravel path made a crunching sound.  The soft and warming weight of her white wool coat gently covered her back.

She didn’t have to look.  “I…”  A gasp of air broke her thought.  “I’m not cut out for this.  Raymond, I know you want to believe in me, but I’m not good enough.  I’m scared.”

“Shhh. That was … very dramatic.  Hm. A very acute occurrence.”  He squatted down beside her.  “It’s ok.”

“No.  I wish.  I thought, after I studied with my sensitivity, I thought I could finally get a job and not just be a nut-ball psychic.” She turned and looked at him through her locks. “But, I’m scared!  I don’t know what’s going on and I’m only sensitive enough to be scared.  Once that gets out, I’ll never get taken seriously again.  And I’ll never be able … to get over it and…”  She broke down once again in sobs.

Raymond rubbed her back as she jerked with sadness and embarrassment.  “Don’t worry.  I won’t tell a soul.”




“Screaming! The crowd went wild!  Cheering and shouting Billy! Billy!”  The greasy haired young man bragged as he stood in front of a screen full of cheering, digital people. “Thank you, thank you.  You are all too kind.”

Arun sat on the couch watching the display, and drinking from a tall unmarked liter bottle of hard cider.  “Best three of five?”

Pointing, he said, “You are on, dude.”  He flipped the switches on the controller to re-start the football game.

The sound of the back door opening and footsteps in the hall could be heard over the startup screen.

“Is that your brother?”

“Yeah dude.”  Billy settled into his chair, remote in hand.  “Don’t worry though.  Raymond plays like he’s all uptight, but he’s cool.”

At that moment Raymond peeked into Billy’s room with a still watery-eyed Lisa in tow.  He looked at Arun and said, “What the hell’s going on?  What do you think you are doing here?”

“Oh, it’s cool.  Arun here just delivered a package and he mentioned that he liked videogames…”

Arun listened to Billy and nodded his head.  “Yeah, how’s it going?  You’ve got a real talent my man.”  He smiled and put out his fist to be bumped.

Raymond was appalled.  “Who said you could come in, much less raid the cellar?  Get out!”

“What the…  Billy, I thought you said your brother would be cool and all.”

“Oh, crud!  Tell him Billy said it’s ok and that you aren’t dropping eggs.”

“What?  Why can’t you tell him yourself?”

Raymond turned around and lifted an eyebrow.  “You know Billy?”

“Of course I know Billy.  We just met today, but… Dude, he’s right there!” Arun pointed to Billy who was waving his controller around.

“You mean you can see him?  Hear him?”  Raymond regained his calm composure.  “Um… Hm.  I hate to break this to you but, Billy has been dead for thirty years.  What you are seeing is his spirit.”

Arun stared at Billy as he shrugged his shoulders.  “Sorry man.  I hope this doesn’t mean we can’t be friends and all.”

“Friends?  Uh.  This has to be some weird joke.  You signed the receipt.  I can touch you.  Like this!”  He reached forward for Billy’s shoulder only to have his hand go through.

Billy looked at the hand then back at Arun.  “Sorry dude, I gotta concentrate to make something tangible and it only works on farm grounds.  I probably should have told you.”

“Yeah.  Kind of an oversight.”

Raymond walked further into the room.  “Young man, Arun is it?  Did you know you are a medium for spirits?”

“A what?  Does that pay well?”

Raymond smiled.  “Significantly more than a courier under the right circumstances.  If Billy vouches for you, I think we can work something out.  You can also work with my other medium to help you realize what you are experiencing.”

“That … um … Yeah, this is all …” Arun looked past Raymond to see Lisa standing in the hallway, observing the exchange. “… pretty… um… pretty strange and all.”

“Dude, what’s to be strange about?  Ray’s a great cook, you get to work on the farm and let me tell you, the chicks we get up here to take cooking and winemaking classes!  Damn.  Makes me wish I could … you know … But YOU can, dude!  It’ll be a blast!”

Arun looked at Billy and then realized that for everyone else he was staring at nothing.

“Ah, why not.  I’m guess I’m your guy.”

Crabtree – Ghost Light – Part 3

Crabtree – Ghost Light – Part 1

The house lights were on in the converted barn of a theater and a lone spotlight lit the edge of the stage.  A young man from the restaurant and bar that was connected to the theater struggled with a case of heavy glass bottles.  As he lugged his load to the high store room up in the rafters, he tried not to think about how creepy the empty theater felt between shows,

“‘Put the extra booze in the stage storage’ he says.  Like that’s nothing at all.”  The young man mumbled to himself.  “I bet he couldn’t even get up here hauling his own fat butt, much less a case of high grade hangover.”  He got to the top of the stairs and walked along the tenuous catwalk to the storage area for things that hung from the trusses that hid in the shadows above the stage.  Adding a case of Jim Beam to the rusted can lights and discarded sets, the young bar back sat down for a break.

From his vantage point just outside the storage room, he could see it all.  The stage was raised, but an orchestra pit sank into the floor just in front of it.  Two wide stairways angled out on either side just in front of the left and right curtains that hid the small backstage wings. He could see the scuff on the worn floorboards where the curtain hit, separating the bit that was always visible from the bit that could be hidden.

At his level, there were decades of ropes, trusses, and cables among the catwalks.  Up here were all the things that made the stage actually work. He’d helped with a few production set ups and knew that the real work happened up here and that the actors, for all their top billing, were just the outer most coat of paint, the finishing touch on lots of grubby work.

As he watched, the theater’s manager came through the back door, trailing two others across the stage.  “So, Mr. Crabtree, do you think you can help us?”

“It’s Raymond, please,” the man said.  “I’ll certainly try.”

A soft, Swedish-accented voice added, “This really is a lovely theater.”

“Yes, but performers are a superstitious lot.”  The group walked down the stage steps and made their way to the side door. The fading voice added, “There are a number of people who simply refuse to work here.  It’s getting hard to stage a play.  We just wound down our summer ‘Experimental Experience Theater’ for the students from Penn State. Without the kids, any thoughts of a fall season are right out the window.  Professionals avoid this place because of the haunting, you see.”

The indifferent bar back shrugged and dropped off his case.  Turning to go back down stairs, he felt a rope going around his head.

“Jesus!”  He jumped back, startled.  The end of the rope was tied in a noose and left at just the right height.  “Who puts something like this here?  Almost walked into it ‘n killed myself!”  He swatted the rope and made it swing.

From below, the overly artsy stage manager continued talking. “The strange occurrences were one thing, but they’ve lately gotten downright dangerous.  A theater is no place for things to be … well … out of place.

Suddenly, it stopped swinging, as if in the grip of an invisible person.  He stared, mesmerized.  As he watched, the knot of the noose slid up and the loop widened.  Another rope snaked over and pushed a bend through the noose.

Frozen by the strange sight, the young man didn’t notice a third rope snaking across the floor, positioning itself in a circle behind his feet.  The rope tied itself into a slip knot. Lost in the shadows, the ballast at the rope’s other end teetered on a section of the lighting rig.

“Professionals like myself, you see, will tolerate much, but safe working conditions are simply a given.  Without that the show cannot go on.”

The bend of rope began to take shape in the noose. The scene mesmerized the startled bar back.  It looked like the outline of a person’s head and moved in the same halting motion as a man condemned.  The knot slammed down.  The noose squeezed around the rope head with deadly violence and the figure struggled in its grip.  As the astonished young man watched, the head outline flailed and went limp.

Too stunned to think, he stepped back from the sight, putting his foot in the rope trap.  The ballast bag fell down toward the stage.  The rope pulled, tightening around the young man’s ankle.  The force continued to pull, yanking the scared young man off balance and wrenching him into space above the stage.

When it was over, he was upside down, dangling in the air, and white as a ghost.





“I quit!”  The well-built Swede’s nostrils flared as she screamed in Raymond’s face.  While middle age had not robbed the blonde of her exceptional looks, her angry face certainly did. She wheeled around on one heel, swinging her stuffed luggage around the oak-paneled front hall.  All the while, muttered Swedish curses fell from the makeup mask of her face.

Raymond gave chase.  “Hey, uh, you can’t quit now Ines, we’ve got an investigation!”

“Like hell I can’t.”  Her English halted but her anger pressed on.  “I caught your pervert brother peeking on me in the shower.”  She turned to Billy and pointed a finger.  “AGAIN!”

Billy tucked his greasy blonde locks behind his ear.  “It’s not my fault you didn’t lock the door.”

“Yeah.  Lock the door.  Funny.  Raymond, tell him to shut up.”

“Billy, shut up.”  Raymond rubbed his temples.  With a sigh, he summoned all his patience and persuasiveness.  “Now come on.  Think about your professionalism.  You can’t back out now just when things were getting good.  You can’t just…”  His summoning ran out and his lost words gave way to a fluttering mass of hands.

“No.  I can just…”  Her hands mocked him, flying around.  “… and I will.  Find yourself another psychic.”  Looking at Billy she said, “I’ve had it with this child.”  She threw open the door and pulled her bags out behind her.  With furious grace, she walked down the stone steps to a waiting cab.

Billy yelled.  “Yeah, well it’s not like we need you!”  He turned to Raymond.  “Is it?”

Inside the stately manor house, Raymond scratched his graying temple and rubbed his shallow chin. He watched the Taxi disappear.  “Hm.  We’re going to need to find a new medium.”  Raymond retreated from the wide stone archway and shut the massive wood and wrought iron door behind him.




The two men looked at the resume before them and down the table at the mid-fifties white woman with the grey and caramel afro.

“So,” he glanced at the sheet through his reading glasses.  “Professor Nastria, um…what are you a professor of again?”

“I hold two PHD’s.  One in Numerology and another in Parapsycology.”

“Ah, very good.”

Billy leaned over and said into his ear, “Good?  That’s got quack written all over it.  She couldn’t be more of a quack if she got up on the table right now and shot out an egg.”

“Wait,” she said. “There is a presence.”

“What kind of presence?”

“I sense… a little girl.”  She searched Raymond’s eyes.  “Yes.  She’s angry.”

The blonde young man threw his hands up.  “I’d be angry too, if I didn’t exist.  Come on, Ray, she’s a scammer.”

“Hm,” Raymond said, half way between an actual sound and clearing his throat.  “So… Professor, can I ask what made you interested in our enterprise?”

“You don’t want to know of this girl?”

Raymond gave a patient smile.  “In a bit. The dead have plenty of time on their hands.  We’re here to talk about you.”  The woman abandoned her far-off stare and Raymond continued.  “You see, our investigations into the paranormal, while we take them very seriously, are a sideline to the primary business here.  This is a working farm and though you won’t be asked to pick fruit, squash grapes, or bake pies, I will need someone to help me keep the books straight and handle the guests we receive for the various wine making retreats we sponsor through the summer.  In short, you’d be dealing with the living more than the dead on a day to day basis.”

She looked around at the dining room.  “That’s … I had assumed that there would be more call for my… unique skillset in this position.”

“Hm.  While the highlands region is steeped in spirits, they are notoriously light on funds.  The people we assist with their encounters are likewise not always rolling in dough.  We sometimes are otherwise compensated, I’m never short of hands at harvest times, but for room, board, healthcare and additional monetary compensation, I will need someone who will participate in all aspects of our concern.”

Billy leaned in and said, “Forget spooks, this lady is afraid of anything that sound like work.”

“Yes,” the woman said from across the table.  “I suppose I can see the boundaries of the position a little more clearly.  I suppose I can help with the books and such, though the girl in your house may require soothing before I feel comfortable welcoming people into this environment.”

“Of course.  We can make that a priority if you like.  And while we’re on the topic, do you sense anything else?”

“Book keeping?  I sense a con artist.  Here, gimmie.”  Billy grabbed the resume and the pen.

“Billy, this is hardly helpful,” Raymond whispered, trying to grab back his pen.  The two fought, but Billy could still write.

Billy fended off Raymond’s tug at the pen and wrote under experience, “Con Artist” and under other abilities, “Being an ugly cow to boot.”

From across the table, The Professor’s jaw dropped.  “I don’t know what you are playing at, but I’m not going to sit here and let you interrogate me while simultaneously insulting me.”  She got up, raised her nose and trotted away.  From the dining room, they could both hear the front door slam.

“Damn, she’s one hell of a grifter.  She was able to read that all the way over there, and upside down!  I bet numerology is a euphemism for bank fraud.”

“Hm.  We are no closer to finding a medium and the professor there was the last of the bunch.  All charlatans.  You being a jackass didn’t help.  We’ll have to find someone.”

“Yeah, well… Maybe we should hit the bars?”

“I got one last idea, Billy.  You hold down the fort.”




A small bell rang as the door opened.  The curio shop was stuffed and stuffy.  Light didn’t get to travel far before getting swallowed by the many things that lined the many shelves in the expansive space.  Raymond stepped in from a cool, early fall afternoon and let the shadows take him in.

“Ah, Mr. Crabtree-how-good-it-is-to-see-you.”

The voice was unmistakable and Raymond relaxed. “Hi Marta.  How is business?”

“Better-I-dare-say, than yours.  Ines was such a talented and lovely girl.  You should have tried harder to keep her.”  Following the voice, Raymond found her body in the left most isle, inspecting the goods. “Good help is hard to find-you-know.”

“Hm.  That is why I’m here,” he said, walking to her, a box now clearly visible in his hands.

A swift turn brought her ashen face up to his.  “Trying to cherry pick the talent eh?”  Her face saddened as she returned to rummaging through the stuff.  “Thought you had at least a small sense of decorum.” She found what she was looking for and walked away from him.

“I did, or actually, I do. Look, I’m really in a bit of a bind here.”  Raymond stammered and struggled to keep up with the tiny old lady dashing through the narrow spaces of the curio shop.  His package making him juggle in spots. “Do you know of any talent that I could, I don’t know, borrow?  I’m working on a case, a total milk run for a pro.  I’ve got most of it, I think, but I need a sensitive medium to help me crack it open and seal the deal.  You know… rather than just going in and being…” He rounded the corner and found himself face to face with the snarling face of a stuffed bear head.  “…spooked.”

She shook her head.  “I don’t know, Raymond.  I try to keep my network away from prying eyes.”

“Hm,” he said, backing up from the taxidermy. “Shame.  The orchard has been pretty good to us this year.  The apples, especially.”

“Really?”  Her tone changed, just slightly. “So, what are you getting at here?”

“Just that for a valued customer who just happens to be looking for a home for a freshly baked apple pie, you might bend the rules a tad?” He looked at her with a smile and opened the box he was carrying.  Immediately, the smell of cinnamon and apples wafted through the dust and leather smell of the store.  He snapped the lid closed, still grinning.

She froze.  “This is bribery-you-know.”

“As naked as it gets.”  He broke into pleading.  “Come on Marta.  I just need some help.  Maybe an up-and-comer looking to make a name for themselves.”

Trying to look disinterested, she passed by the middle aged man.  “I might have someone.  I’ll make some phone calls.”

“Thanks Marta, you are a sweetheart.”

“Yes, well…”  She shot a glance over her shoulder.  “leave the pie on your way out-would-you-young-man?”




A tiny blue hatchback turned off the sleepy state road just past the ornate sign that read “Crabtree Farm” in big red letters.  It crunched down the pea gravel lane, past the rows and rows of chrysanthemums that made an orange front lawn for the multi-roofed main house.  The gravel widened out in front of the house, forming a large flat reception area.  Benches hid among the low hedges while a whitewashed gazebo sat at the edge of the curve.  The car stopped and

Raymond put down his book.  Leaving it on the gazebo’s bench, he walked out to greet his visitor.  “Hi.  You must be Lisa.”

The woman shut her door and smiled.  “I must be.  Yeah.  Raymond Crabtree?”

“In the flesh.”  He smiled.  Faced with the young girl, he found himself with nothing to say.  For an uncomfortable moment, his sweater vest became a straight-jacket.

The young lady was looking around and didn’t seem to notice.  “You have quite a house here, Mr. Crabtree.  What do you do out here?”

“Raymond, please.”  He smiled.  “The farm does a variety of things.  Flowers, apples… Hm.  I give classes on winemaking, weekends.  The hipsters who take the wine class do most of the work for their own vanity vintage.”

“That’s quite the racket.”  She smiled.

“Well, everyone’s happy.  For me, I get to keep the house and left over grapes.  Would you like a sample of this years’ jelly?”





The young brunette walked towards the left at Raymond’s direction.  “If you could take a seat in the study, tea service will be right out.”

Billy sat on the kitchen’s old stone counter as his brother busied himself making a tray.  “Tea service?  Is this an interview or a social call?”

“I’d like you to hear me, Billy,” Raymond sighed. “Please just listen outside the study and be quiet.  I’m conducting the interview, ok?”  He took the tray, with its homemade jam and hot tea, through the kitchen door.

Billy called after him, “Fine, but I saw her.  Bright, young.  Are you interviewing for a medium or a girlfriend?”

Crabtree – Ghost Light – Part 2

Help Wanted

Help Wanted:

Young, burgeoning universe seeks omniscient creator. No prior experience necessary or even possible, for that matter.

You must love all creatures great and small, watch them grow, prosper and bloom. Guide them through life’s trials and tribulations.

And then kill them.

Other duties include:

Listen to the whining and bitching of entire planets full of beings and return to them endless love.

Plan down to the finest detail every single element of everyone and everything’s every day and have a plan for it all and give every action, no matter how insignificant a true and poetic meaning.

Occasionally visit wrath resulting in the deaths of entire civilizations, just to keep things novel. Lesser, more personal smitings are also performed for much the same reason.

Watch without interfering as beings create ever more effective ways to kill each other in your name.

Perks include receiving “Props” from rap artists and athletes, worship in various forms and the occasional human barbeque. Telework available. Flexible dress code.

Anyone with the skill set to prosper in this job already knows how to contact us. Please bring resume and two forms of ID.

Idle Hands – Episode 2 – Temporary Assignment

As Jay plopped down on the couch for lunch, a twinge of guilt hit him. On the coffee table, that morning’s want ads and internet searches sat, unmarked and unread. After three weeks out of the job, the joy of quitting and the adventure of looking for new work had become an anxiety-filled grind.

Lifting the remote, he turned up his TV’s surround sound. Anxiety festered and grew, unattended, in the back of Jay’s mind as poorly dubbed anime filled the messy living room.

An unexpected knock invaded Jay’s sanctuary, followed by another and another. Finally annoyed into action, Jay left the couch and the unread papers and answered the door.

The heat and light from the blinding and hot south Texas day rushed into the air-conditioned townhouse. While Jay started to sweat in his shorts, the man on his doorstep seemed perfectly comfortable in a deep red suit.

“Can I help you?”

With the door open, the man confidently walked into Jay’s townhouse. Turning, he said, “No, but I can help you.” The man looked around the disheveled house, stroking his goatee. “Nice place.”

“Uh, thanks.” Closing the door, Jay became less incensed by the man’s forwardness, and more intrigued, though he couldn’t put a finger on why. “Just who the hell are you?”

The odd man smiled. “Ah. Well chosen words. But really, Jay, I’m here to help you out. My card.”

He extended his hand and red smoke coalesced into a business card. Jay took the card and saw that it was from ‘Idle Hands, Inc.’

A horrible realization washed over the young man and he blurted, “Wait a second! Are you the…”

“Ah ah!” The strange man suddenly raised his finger and shook it at Jay. “No, I’m not the Big D, who prefers not to have his bell rung too many times, lest he have to appear, you know.” He put his hand to his chest and bowed. “I am merely a humble servant. And right now, I’m part of our outreach program. The head of it, actually.”

“Excuse me? Outreach program?” Jay’s scruffy blonde hair tussled as he scratched his head. This guy had an easy and disarming way about him and though intimidated, he found himself drawn in by the man’s words.

“Yes, outreach program. You see, people of your generation don’t feel like doing much of anything anymore. Forget sin, you all aren’t even engaged enough to be tempted. So, the Big man said, ‘Let’s get these people moving again. Get them off their hinnies.’”

“Somehow I can’t see the big D saying the word ‘hinnies.’”

He flashed a smile at Jay. “It’s the PG version. You want to hear this or not?”

“It’s not every day I get visitors from Hell. So please, continue.”

“Thanks.” He waved his arms in the air, mocking his evil master. “‘Get them off their couches and into an exercise program or something. We need to get the wheels of fate spinning again. More than that; get these people jobs!’ So out of concern, he’s allowed me to set up a little concern to give some of those Idle Hands something to do.”

Jay rolled his eyes. “You’re kidding me. You’re a head hunter?”

“We prefer to be called Employment Placement Specialists. After all, Political Correctness came from our Department of Insidious and Ill-conceived Double Speak. But yes, I’m here to help you find a gig. You did send me your resume, after all. Remember?”

“I’ve sent out a lot of resumes.” Jay stared at the man blank faced for a second, then burst out laughing. “HA! Here, I thought you were some harbinger of doom and you’re a… a… ‘Job Getter’ or whatever the hell you called it. I really thought I was in trouble there for a second.”

“You see! That’s what I’m talking about. We get this unfounded bad rap! Those inbred evangelicals have been kicking us around for a while and we need to be able to reach out to people like you. Let you know that there is a choice.”

“Well… You know, I always thought there really wasn’t a choice. It was either, ‘be good and try not to suck’, or you wind up … Uh.”

“Yes. You wind up with us poor suckers.” He waved his hand in the air, as if conjuring up images. “Drowning in a lake of burning sulfur for all eternity. Little men in red jumpsuits with built in tails, constantly skewering you with pitchforks.” Again, he looked over his glasses and mocked, “Really, Jay, does that sound like any way to run things?

“First off, where are we going to get enough sulfur for an endlessly burning lake? You know how much that costs? Do I look like someone who has nothing better to do than poke people? We just want to help you and outline the alternatives.”

“I don’t understand. You keep mentioning choices. What does this have to do with Hell?”

The strange man looked around the unkempt apartment and slid into a well-rehearsed pitch. “Well, free will is where we get our people from. The ones that exercise it are our constituency.

“You see, the man upstairs could have just made everything run like clockwork here on earth so everyone got into heaven, but he didn’t care to. He wanted you all to have free will to be tempted and misbehave. Kind of a rotten deal, if you ask me, and I should know.

“As a result, he gave us all the people who liked to bend the rules. Really early on we got around the whole ‘suffer for all eternity’ thing that was in our charter, so now it’s a regular party down there. Sure, we have to have SOME torture, but really, it’s just a formality.”

Jay’s brow creased. “Even if I was buying this, what does this have to do with getting a job?”

“Everything,” the odd man said. “Choices come from action, and there are always jobs that need doing. We have all kinds of opportunities here. Want to take a look?”

Three weeks worth of frustration at looking in vain for a job broke through and Jay found himself saying, “Ok, sure. I’ll bite.”

“Again, nice choice of words. You, my friend, have a way about you that I like.” The red of the man’s suit seemed to radiate a thick smoke. The wall of Jay’s apartment dissolved and a red and black office appeared. The walls had framed works of ‘Good Girl’ pinup art and a stuffed devil doll sat happily in the black high back desk chair.

Jay was mystified but impressed. “Nice doll. Nice office.”

“Thanks! The doll was a gift from a client.” He grinned, as he moved the stuffed toy and took his seat. “Ok, Jay, let’s get started. If you could do anything, what would it be?”

Taking a seat, Jay said, “Well, I guess I’d like to help people. I want to use…”

The strange man waved his hands in surrender, making Jay stop. “Hold on.” He sighed. “Don’t try to bullshit a bullshitter, Jay. I work for the Lord of Lies, remember? I’m not some chick you are trying to pick up at a bar.”

He sat back in his chair and laced his fingers. “Let’s try this again. What do you really want to do, Jay?”

The red vinyl seat stuck to the backs of Jay’s legs where his shorts quit. He looked at the desk and squirmed. “Well, I don’t want to work very hard. I want to have authority over people, but I don’t want to make any hard decisions or manage anyone. And I don’t really care how people live as long as it doesn’t affect me. I like money, that’s a given. It would be nice to help people because I want to be perceived as being a good guy. And I don’t want to do anything truly evil.” Jay swatted at the air. “That’s where I draw the line. And no contracts in blood or anything. I get to keep my soul.”

The man waved his hand in the air, batting away Jay’s concerns. “We stopped doing the contract thing a long time ago. People got hip to it and we couldn’t close them anymore. But, so I know what kind of job to look for, are you afraid to be evil, Jay?”

“Well, sure. It’s rather extreme, isn’t it? I mean… we’re messing with people’s lives here.”

The man kicked back in his chair. “But you want to be in authority. How do you reconcile that?”

“Well, that’s different. I just want to be in control of the situation, especially at work. I’m sick of people bossing me around. Every job I’ve had, someone telling me what to do. I want to be in control for once.”

“And you don’t want to work hard.” The man scribbled notes on a red notepad.

Jay shrank a little bit as if he had asked for too much. “Well, no.” He leaned forward. “That’s not a problem is it?”

“Oh, hell no! Just let me work here.” The man held out his hand and deep red smoke coalesced into a small red book. “Ok, I’ve got plenty of openings in our larceny department. Very lucrative for short term work.”

Jay shook his head. “I don’t think so. Just the thought of prison scares me.”

He flipped the book’s pages. “Here you go, how about a politician. They hardly ever go to jail! There is a lifetime commitment though.”

“I thought you didn’t do ‘sell your soul’ type contracts anymore”

“For those guys, we make exceptions. They’re mostly lawyers and sneaky little bastards to boot so we gotta nail them down. Here’s one that doesn’t require a commitment. Political Pundit!”

The young man chuckled. “Wow, I can’t think of anything more evil!”

The man smiled. “You and me both, but I thought I’d give it a shot.” He muttered under his breath, “That one has been a bitch to fill.”

Leaning forward to try to read the book Jay said, “You’re sure you’ve got something for me?”

“Yeah. I’m not finished yet.” He flipped through his book with calm determination. “My people are very thorough. We’ll get you something. Here we go. I got a position at a local hospital as a patient intake clerk. There’s some interface with the public and some light filing. Not perfect, but how does that one sound? The pay is good, double your last gig.”

“That doesn’t sound half bad. You sure there’s no catch? Nothing to sign in blood or anything?”

“Nope,” the man smiled. “You just have to sign your time card. And we prefer black pen to blood.” Holding up a stack of time slips he said, “It faxes better.”

Jay looked at this strange man. The job seemed fine and he could use the money. Sure, the circumstances of the placement are a little odd, but the job itself was not about being evil, it was about filing paperwork. How bad could it be? “When do I start?”

“There is a shift tonight.”

Jay put up his hands. “Whoa, I don’t know. That’s kind of sudden. I was planning on doing stuff tonight. Plus, I don’t know squat about hospitals.”

“Come on Jay. You were watching cartoons. And we at Idle Hands, Inc. have an intensive training program.”

The man created a puff of smoke in his hand and slapped it into Jay’s forehead. Jay was stunned for a moment, and then said, “That’s amazing! I know all this wonky stuff about insurance and paperwork and stuff.”

The man grinned a sharp grin. “We aim to please. Don’t forget your timecards.”


The hospital’s corridors were bright and the linoleum floors made everyone’s shoes squeak. Jay sat alone in a row of three desks. People sat opposite him and filled out forms for his files. If everything was in order, he called the nurse over to guide them into the waiting room. Not that there were many people to help on this shift. Everything was going flawlessly until Bobby Rojas showed up at half past twelve.

The sweating Hispanic man pleaded in halting English. “Please sir, can I see a doctor now? My wife is delivering our baby.”

“Please, Mr. Rojas. Have a seat. I need you to fill out some paperwork.”

The man grabbed the chair and half sat down. “Ok, but she’s in the car and seems to be really uncomfortable. Can we just get her to…”

“I’m sorry, but the rules are pretty strict here. The hospital doesn’t have an emergency room so everyone has to have a file. Now, do you have your insurance card on you?”

“I’m sorry sir, we don’t have insurance. Smart-Mart, where I work, doesn’t offer it to low timers. But we have some cash!”

Jay looked at the man and his heart sank. “Look, I’m going to be honest with you. This is a for-profit hospital. If something really bad happens here it is going to cost you a lot of money. You are a working guy with no insurance. If it comes to it, they will ruin your life trying to get you to pay your bill and won’t take no for an answer. I know. I’m that guy making the calls.”

“But, my wife!”

“Yes, and your baby. Do you want that kind of thing hanging over your family? No, I don’t think so.” He looked at the man and tried to do the best thing he could for him. ” I’m going to give you a better option. Here, check out this map. We are here. St. Mary’s is here.”

“But that’s across town.” Mr. Rojas’s eyes went wide and his face went white.

“Yes, but there is a freeway and it’s the middle of the night. There will be no traffic. You can probably get there in, what, five minutes? They will take you in for free. Just, God, don’t mention your name or give them anything that can track you. They will think you are an illegal immigrant and all the bills will be chalked up as a bad debt.”

“You are turning me away? You want me to lie to the nuns at Saint Mary’s?”

“I’m not turning you away, but I’m telling you something for your own good. I don’t want to be responsible for the ruin of your family by letting you sign up for more debt than you can possibly pay back. This… Healthcare is a commodity like anything else. This place is like a Ferrai. You can only really afford a Ford. Please. Really, I can’t force you. I can take your information and admit your wife, but you really should go across town to St. M’s.”

The man’s face turned bleak and panicked but his voice was calm. “I understand sir.” Taking the map, he slowly turned around. “I hope, that this turns out as you say.”

“I’m sure it will, Mr. Rojas. Be careful and good luck.”

After the man departed, the nurse talked to him from her station. “It took a lot of patience to do that. It’s hard. These people just don’t realize how the system works.”

“Yea. I don’t know. The system seems to be kind of horrible at times. I hope they’re ok. He looked pretty spooked going out the door.”

“They’ll be ok. Like you said, the best place for them is just five minutes away.”

At that point, the doctor on call strolled by. “Anything new? What happened to the guy that was just here?”

The nurse said, “Another beaner. No insurance.”

He nodded to Jay and said, “How’d the new guy handle it?”

“Like a pro. The guy has a real touch.”


The gleaming front hall of the hospital shined with emptiness as Jay leaned in his chair. He nodded to the nurse. “Is it always this big a party on this shift?”

The nurse smiled. “You must be used to those public hospitals where things start jumping after last call. Here, the doctors usually start showing up around four and the patients show up at five for the first round of six o’clock procedures.” She unwrapped a candy from its foil shell and popped it into her mouth. “The whole place runs like clockwork.”

“Yea, but,” he hesitated, “I can’t help but think what happened to that guy earlier. He seemed a bit freaked. I hope he got to St. M’s ok.” He stared off into the distance. “Think I should call them to check?”

“I think that’s the last thing you should do.” She pushed away from her desk and brushed the last of the chocolate from her hands. “If you do that, they will know that the guy was here first and the hospital will get in trouble. You did the best thing. People have babies all the time. It’s not like it was a heart attack or something. What’s five minutes?”

“I see your point. Still, I can’t help but wonder.”

“Wonder all you like, just don’t call.”

He looked at the desk in front of him. It was perfect. The glossy finish reflected the banks of florescent lights in the lobby ceiling.

‘I gotta wiz,’ Jay thought. “I’ll be back. You need any coffee?”

“Get me some Twinkies,” the overweight nurse responded. “Just don’t make any dumb phone calls, ok?”

“Nope. Just stretching my legs.”

“Ok,” she smirked. “If no one told you, the men’s stretching post is up the hall to your left.”

He grinned. “Thanks, I’m not used to all this coffee.”

The squeaking sound of Jay’s shoes echoed in the main hall. The nurse picked up the romance novel from her desk and continued to read. While she sat entranced in the ridiculously contrived bodice ripper, the wall behind her began to show the faint outline of her shadow. Moment by moment it became more pronounced. She looked up at the last possible second before the inconceivable happened.

Smash! Screech! Crash! An old pickup truck smashed through the glass double doors separating the lobby from the parking lot. As soon as the headlights hit the second of the two double doors they were completely smashed and the terrified nurse could see inside the cab.

In the passenger’s seat sat a woman, clearly dead. Her pale face was streaked with blood. The driver was Bobby Rojas, eyes wide with an unearthly rage. He wandered out of the car, carrying a pistol and a machete. “Where’s the prick?”

The nurse was aghast. “Oh my God! Oh my God, you can’t. You can’t just… Oh my God!”

“Never mind.” He lifted the pistol and said, “I’ll find him myself.” He fired. The round caught the woman square in her fat chest and knocked her back into her chair. Bobby threw the woman his keys. “Here, the hospital is only five minutes away, if you don’t get a FLAT TIRE AND RUN INTO A GUARD RAIL! SHE WAS ALREADY UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN I GOT HER HERE, BUT YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE HER! MY WIFE AND BABY DIED BECAUSE OF YOU PEOPLE!”

Filled with rage, Bobby walked down the hall. The glass continued to fall from the remains of the hospital’s front doors. The nurse struggled in vain to remove the bullet that had torn a hole in her heart. She couldn’t move anything but her left arm. The shock had frozen her face where it was when the bullet hit and as she slowly lost consciousness, she was powerless to move her eyes off the horribly blank face of Mrs. Rojas.


From the bathroom, Jay heard the thunderous return of Bobby Rojas. He heard the shot that killed the nurse. He heard Bobby Rojas scream his story. Now he could hear the sound of shoes squeaking in the hall getting closer. Adrenaline kicked in. He looked for another way out of the bathroom but found none. The only thing he could do was lock the door and hide in a stall.

From outside he could hear the doctor yell, “Hey! The police will be here any minute. Put the…” A meaty thudding sound echoed in the tile bathroom. “AAAAAAahhhhhh! My arm!” A shot rang out just outside the bathroom door. The doctor’s screams were replaced by a tense silence.

Perched on a toilet, Jay could almost hear himself sweat. He listened intently for this man who was thirsty for revenge and intent on killing him. ‘Maybe he will pass by,’ he thought. ‘Maybe the cops would come to the rescue. None of this is my fault! I only gave him the choice! He didn’t say that his wife was bleeding. If anything, it’s his fault for not telling me.’ Jay held his breath and cursed this man for dragging him into his wife’s medical problems.

Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. Bump. The man outside tried to open the bathroom door.

Jay heard the squeak of shoes retreat down the hall, then silence. In spite of himself, he sighed in relief. He was safe, cowering in a corner.

Smash! The sound of a machete hitting the wood door split the silence and echoed off the tiles of the bathroom. Jay kept from screaming as he heard the man repeatedly throw his body against the now-yielding door. He still had the crazy notion that the man didn’t know that he was there.

‘This can’t be happening,’ he thought. ‘What did I do to deserve this?’

The door gave way with a terrific smashing noise and Bobby Rojas looked around the bathroom. “Oh, Mr. Prick man!” he said in a singing voice, taunting him. “I’ve got my paperwork!”

Jay’s thoughts were filled with horror. ‘Oh my god! He’s crazy. He’s going to kill me!’

The sounds of the man in the bathroom filled Jay’s ears as he tried in vain to pretend that he wasn’t there. Bobby was not fooled. “Since I’ve got you here, I’m going to tell you about complications in child birth. Complications are what you don’t want when your wife is giving birth by the side of the road and your car won’t move.”

Prayers flew from Jay’s mind. There was only fear.

Bobby continued. “Now if there is a Doctor there,” Bang! A deafening shot rang through the bathroom. He felt the bullet whiz past his kneecaps. Fragments of wood from the side of the toilet stall hit his hands. “He would tell the woman to stop pushing and do something else, something that would save her. But if the only person there by the side of the road is her stupid janitor of a husband,” Bang! Another shot made Jay jump. “Her husband would tell her to push, and push until the baby ripped her apart.”

Jay heard sobbing sounds from outside the stall. He thought maybe he would be saved if this man gave into his grief and collapsed under his personal pain. It was a pathetic thing to wish for. Jay felt horrible for what had happened. But it wasn’t his fault!

The door to the stall smashed open and Bobby Rojas stood with a machete in one hand and a gun in the other. “Hello Mr. Prick. Ready to meet the Devil?”

Suddenly red smoke came from nowhere and enveloped Jay. Before he could react, he was sitting in the office of his Employment Placement Counselor, the odd man in the red suit.

Shaken, disheveled but none the worse for wear, Jay stammered, “What happened?”

“Well, you see,” the man said, stroking his goatee, “We have a very strict policy about hostile work environments here at Idle Hands. I would say that your current position was about to get as hostile as they come, wouldn’t you?”

“Uh, uh.”

“Of course you would. Now I understand if you don’t want to go back…” Behind the desk, a display showed the words “Current Assignment.” Under “Them” was the number one and a half. The man looked at the display and as the number under “Us” went from two to three he added, “…even though the cops just got there and took care of it. Once you start to feel unhappy at work, the place just isn’t the same anymore.”

“Yeah. Not safe.”

He leaned forward with an understanding look and said, “Would you like some Tequila, Jay?”

“Yeah. Please”

The man produced two shot glasses emblazoned with the “Idle Hands” logo and filled them with Cuervo. “So, what did you think of that assignment? Too much filing?”

“Too much shooting!” Jay drank his shot and made a face.

He jotted down a note. “Yeah, next time, less shooting, that’s a given, but aside from that. Have a lemon.” He pointed to a plate of sliced lemons that appeared in front of Jay.

“I mean, what the hell happened? I didn’t do anything bad to anybody!”

“No, Jay, you didn’t.” He belted down his shot.

“I mean… I know how the system works. I told the guy that he really didn’t want to be at that hospital without insurance. He needed to be at St. M’s! He understood and left.”

“But, he came back.”

“Yes! Apparently, he didn’t make it and his wife and baby died.” The young man looked at his shoes. “But that’s not my fault! I gave him the choice and he took it! I mean, I feel bad for the guy, but he left of his own free will. And then blamed me for his choice! I’m not evil. I didn’t set up the system. I just laid out a choice for him!”

“Now, you see? That’s what I’m talking about! It’s a choice.” He sat back at his desk and pulled out an envelope. “Of course it’s not your fault. You were just helping him work through the system. It’s not your fault it didn’t work out for him.

“Tell you what. I understand that today has been a real shock for you but I think you did a great job. I couldn’t be more pleased. Here’s your first paycheck. We put a bonus in there, kind of our way of saying ‘Sorry. Here’s your hazard pay.'”

Jay took the envelope and opened it. “Ten thousand? Is this right?”

“We pay our people well here, Jay. Helps with retention, especially after an assignment like that.” He leaned back and smiled again. “Don’t worry about today, Jay. You relax and give me a call when you are ready to work again.” He smiled a grin that was bright and sharp. “We have plenty of work for people like you.”