Minions – NaNoWriMo Day 2 – First Night

Across town, a day, the first day without the Orange Overlord, had passed.  The mood was cautious.  People were suspicious.

“Man, I don’t get it.” Lucius said to Maxwell as they both sat on the step to the row house.  “I mean, how do the cops have the Overlord?  The Overlord Owns the cops.”

“Not without his power suit, he don’t” Max said, taking a pull off the bottle.

“Maybe, but that’s not what the law says.  Don’t you read the papers?  They settled with his ass, what was it, five years ago?  More?  That shit didn’t say anything about a power suit.”

Max handed another bottle to Lucius.  “Didn’t say anything about that potato looking bastard they got at the station house either.  It’s an agreement with the Orange Overlord – in quotes.”

“Oh, so now you’re a lawyer or something?”

“I read the papers.  Actually, I read that shit on my phone.”

“The internet man,” Lucius opened the beer and took a swig.  “Shit’l rot your mind.”

“So, what do you think should happen?  We been paying the tax man.  Tax man gives that shit to the big O.”

“Man, I don’t know.  All I know is I want my money back from that if he’s really in the joint, man.  My baby girl needs that money, not the city, not the state and not some washed up potato-looking jackass.”

“You thinking of doing something young blood?”

Lucius looked off across the street at the amber color of the streetlamp.  “I just might be thinking.” He took a long draw off the bottle.  “Yeah.  I just might.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Are you telling me that the cops surrendered?” Having taken a shower, Rog now walked around the rather spacious living accommodations Donnie had given him.  The track suit looked ridiculous, but it was clean.

Donnie shook his head then winced at the pain.  Holding his face in his hands he said, “It happened six years ago.  How is it you are just finding out about this?”

Rog found an apple in the kitchenette and a knife.  He tossed the apple up in the air and caught it on the tip of the knife with a smile.  “Ah, well you see, me and the past don’t get along so well.  When they checked me out of the Marines they said I had too many concussions, but I don’t think I ever cared about yesterday if it didn’t bother me.”

“But it’s the Orange Overlord.  The supreme ruler of the quad city and the buffer.  The Orange Accords?  ring a bell?”

“Nah.  I think that all happened about the time I was coming back into civilian life.  Not much of that registered.  There’s about a year and a half that all I remember was taking Molly every week.  Guess it helped, but … Anyway, fill me in.”

Donnie rolled his eyes.  “All right.  Hey, can you get me a water?  Top shelf – fridge.”

“Two bucks.”

“We’re giving you this apartment for free and stocking the fridge.”

“Yeah, I know.  Just wanted to see what you’d do.” He opened the fridge.  “Hey!  Beer!”

“Yeah, go easy for right now.  Red’s probably going to call us in sooner than later.”

“And she can say Hi to my buzz.” Rog handed him the water bottle.  “So, again, what do you mean they surrendered?”

“Well, the Orange Overlord came in about ten years ago.  He started big, by killing Captain Courageous.”

“Wasn’t he a fake hero guy, like for the kids?”

“No, but he was a one trick pony.  Slightly more powerful than a normal man, bullet proof, had a club and was really fast.  He mostly did public appearances, though, you’re right.  One day, the Big O just squished him in his force field.  No job, no speech, no nothing.  Just killed the guy.

“Of course, there was an uproar.  Captain Courageous was the hero to a lot of kids in the city and it was like the orange overlord had just outed Santa as an elf pedo.”

Rog smirked at the joke and sat down at the table.  He took a sip of his beer as Donnie continued.

“It went on like that for a while.  The Overlord did senseless crimes.  Always violent.  The Psychics got feedback damage if they tried to touch him that way and his forcefield took care of most things at a distance.  The armor protected him against anything that got close.”

Donnie leaned back and flipped his hands in resignation.  “Finally, the city had enough.  And it wasn’t like there were any more heroes to fight him.  He either hurt them or ignored them, though courageous was the only one he outright killed.  Lots of property damage, though.  Lots of people hurt.  A few people died, but mostly from knock on effects from the super battles.  The Big O mobilized non-powered criminals to hold ground – used gangs against each other to expand his reach.  Any time the cops tried to shut down his guys, he’d show up and smash up the cop cars and lift their guns right out of their holsters.  Anyway, the city had enough.  They negotiated a settlement.  The Orange Accords. Where the Orange Overlord would get a stipend, be able to keep territory and even serve as law enforcement, flipping the gang idea on its head.  In exchange, the municipality would be able to continue.  Property rights were preserved, businesses could function, and things would go on as normal.  Strictly speaking, even the things that were illegal were still illegal, it’s just that the Overlord could selectively enforce – and of course, get a cut.”

Rog pointed at Donnie with the hand holding the beer. “And that right there don’t make no sense.”

“What do you mean?”

“If this orange overlord is actually the guy that owns Flanderal, what the hell does he need the chump change from Drug dens and whore houses?  Seems kinda … smalltime.”

Donnie nodded. “You aren’t seeing the whole picture.  Flanderal is a manufacturing and technology company.  We make phones and weapons.  That’s actually where I came from.  I’m one of Ted’s top product men.  One day I got whisked off here and I’ve been here ever since.”

“Didn’t nobody notice you gone?”

Donnie rolled his eyes.  “Look at me.  You think girls were lining up to date me?  After my Mom died, work was all I had.  Erasing me from existence was trivial for Red.  She’s really good at that kind of thing.”

“Yeah, and I bet she could suck a golf ball through a garden hose with those pulled in cheeks and Jagger lips.”

“I, uh… I wouldn’t talk to Red like that.”

“Well no shit.  She’s a dame.  You don’t talk to dames like that.”

“That’s not it.  She’s the Orange overlord’s right hand.  Beyond Ted there was no one else who existed in both Flanderal and in the Orange Overlord realm as much as Red.  She’s no joke and will disappear you forever.”

“So, not worth the chance of a blow job, eh?”

Donnie smirked.  “I warn you and you are an adult.”

“Yeah… ”

The conversation hit a lull and they both drank from their bottles.

“So, what happens now?”

“Now?” Donnie said, getting up.  “Now I’m going back to my apartment – just up the hall – I’m going to eat a lasagna, take some of the doctor’s miracle ‘don’t have a stroke’ pills and go to sleep unless Red pulls us all in for a late night.”

“Miracle pills?”

“Yeah.  It’s Doctor Lorenzo, the mad scientist?  Remember him?”

“You know, I think that’s where the VA got the idea for all the Molly I took.  You got him on staff?”

“Yeah.  The Orange Overlord took a few hits in his rise to power. He captured Lorenzo from the Matrix Masters and put him to work here fixing his body.  You’ll catch up with him eventually.”

“Yeah ok.  So, this is like evil genius summer camp or something?  Everybody got a room?”

“Yep.  And it’s more like a hotel.  The only reason we’re all here is because the shit has it the fan.  I had them leave you some food, by the way.  Pulled pork.  Hope you aren’t Muslim.”

“Nah, ain’t got time for that God stuff.”

“Because you are clearly a man of pursuits.”

Rog leaned back in his chair.  “I peruse cold beer, hot women and sticky buds.  The occasional pulled pork kinda slides right in there, though, thanks.”

“You’re welcome.  If we live so long, we can work up some buds too.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” he said pulling the door open. “Who do you think distributes the shit?  The Orange Overlord literally employs every drug dealer and gang banger in the Quad cities.”

“Well that is a hookup!  But what happens now that he’s out of the picture?”

“I have a feeling Red will address that tomorrow.  Get some sleep.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

In Barkley, the smallest of the quad cities, young men gathered to discuss business.

“Gentlemen,” The one in front said, “I believe it is time to consider the current situation.”

Across the table another man, nowhere near as well dressed spoke up.  “What do you have going on Trevor?”

“Nothing short of a war.  You boys ready to go to war?”

They all looked at each other.  “Not really.  Who do we have a beef with? We’ve kept our territory.  The Makos are running the girls.  We’re running the protection.  The Snakes are running the drugs.  It’s all good.”

“Yeah, but think.  Why are the Snakes running the drugs?  Why can’t we?  Why can’t we run the girls, make the books, supply the knockoffs and the tax free smokes?  Why aren’t we doing payday loans?”

Finally, from down the table someone said, “I see where you are going Trevor.  The answer is because the Orange Overlord would kick our asses, but the Overlord ain’t here no more.  That’s a good argument, but it still doesn’t mean we can just roll up on the Snakes or the Crimsons and take their shit.”

“Why not?  Because, gentlemen, whether you think we should or not, one of those fuckers will get the bright idea of trampling on turf that isn’t theirs.  They will trample, and it might be our turf they turn to first, or next.”

“So?  The one thing we’ve got is muscle.  They come at us, we kick some ass.”

“Unless,” Trevor smiled, raising a finger.  “Unless we kick some ass first.  Strike at the time of our choosing, rather than reacting.  Gentlemen, it’s a whole new era here in the quad cities.  If we want to keep our corner of it, we will have to vertically integrate, which means some suckers will either be getting on the train or getting run over by it.”

Trevor looked out at the dozen young men, their pasty faces frightened, then cowed and now congealing into determined and nasty.  When the time ripened, he continued.  “Ok, so here’s what we’re going to do.”

Minions – NaNoWriMo Day 3 – Off on a Jog

[Author’s note: Day 2 and things are already squirming out of the box.  Lucius, Max, Trevor or any of the hangers on didn’t exist two hours ago, but they are here now!  I think this bit went a little better than yesterday, but this might be kinda hard to keep up all month.  We’ll see.  I’m already seeing continuity screw ups I’ll have to spackle over later.  Oh well.  FIRST DRAFT!!!! W00t!

Hope you are enjoying the ride and if you are, votes on top web fiction, likes and follows are soothing to the soul.  Hm.  That got personal, didn’t it?  Oh well, these words don’t count so stay weird and stay tuned.

-SC]

Minions – NaNoWriMo Day 1 – When You Gotta Go

[Author’s note: I’m taking a risk here by putting out an unedited block of the story.  Not only does it mis-hit more than a few jokes that could have gotten more lead-in (the dry eye thing in particular didn’t work at the first draft), but there’s the idea of ruining the story for the reader.  But, I highly doubt anyone gives a shit, will give a shit, will want to pay for this, publish it or anything else, so here’s the story as it’s being written.  If nothing else, it is an example of how I do a vomit draft and can serve as an example for other people doing vomit drafts that their stuff isn’t any worse than anyone else’s.  And I didn’t edit that last sentence either.

Hope you find this fun.  I’ll be posting through november and hopefully this manuscript will eventually be edited to be a real book.  Or not.  Tomorrow never knows.

Stay Weird

-SC]

Rog’s head hurt.  For a moment he was concerned that he couldn’t see.  Then he was absolutely concerned that he could not move.

“Mph Fwrk” he said through lips held closed by some mysterious source.  Through a wall or something he could hear voices.

“Is he awake?”

“It’s really hard to tell, Red.  His thoughts are…”

“What?”

“Well they are just kind of stupid.  I think he’s awake.  He’s concerned about the spell, but the framework of his concern seems…”

“Whatever, he’s awake.”  The Woman opened the door as she spoke, striding into the brightening room.  “Good morning.”  The woman’s smile was just for show.  Rog smelled trouble.

“Mwrph” he said back.  Rog realized he was lying on a cot.  His eyes were, in fact open, and he could see fine.  What he still couldn’t do was move.

“Can you loosen up the spell on his mouth.  I’d like to talk to our guest.”

Rog’s mouth popped open and he gasped.  “Ahhh.  You know, it’s a good thing that it’s fall and not spring, boy.  I get terrible hay fever.”

The redheaded woman looked back to the person at the door, who Rog couldn’t see, and then back.  “And this is a concern to me… why?”

“That trick with my mouth.  If I was hella congested, you might have killed me or something.”

The redhead looked at him, puzzled.  “You are here, immobile, and after how you got here you are … I … hm…”  The woman walked back to the door and closed it.  The lights went out again.

Rog could hear rustling in the hall and some voices, but they stayed quiet.

“Hey!  Hey!  I gotta pee.  Hey!”  He yelled.  After no one responded he said.  “Ah.  Never mind.  Just bring a sponge or something.”  Again nothing.

He’d started to think about taking a nap when the door opened again, and the light came on.

“Dude.  He’s been immobile all this time?”  It was Donnie’s voice.  At least he thought it was Donnie’s He hadn’t been in good shape the only time he saw the guy so it’s hard to tell.

“You know I can hear you, right?”

“Oh hey!  Yeah.”

Donnie and the Redhead came to where he could just see them.  “You know Donnie, I don’t see why we’re even bothering.”

“You’re bothering because boy are you guys in trouble!  And it’s getting worse by the minute!”

They both looked at him.  Donnie with a puzzle and Red with a smirk.  “How do you figure?” She asked.

“Well for one thing, I got the meter on.  Limo ain’t cheap and while I was helping your boy here get to his meeting I was on the clock.  Totally legit.  Like waiting on a fare, you know?”

“No, I’m not… ”

“Yeah, and I figure I been out for at least an hour…”

“Better part of a day, really,” Donnie said.

“A day!  Oh boy.  You guys screwed it.  After 12 hours I’m double time!  Keeps people from using short term limos as their own personal drivers, you know.  We got rules about this shit and I’m union!  You don’t fuck with the union.”  He looked at them, then tried unsuccessfully to blink.  “you guys are screwed.”

Red looked at the man as if addressing a child.  “Ok look, as fascinating as this is, Donnie, please tell me why this guy isn’t going down the memory hole?”

Donnie fiddled with his hands.  “Well, I feel like I kinda owe him.  He kept me from getting seriously hurt.”

“Yeah.  And about that.  What are you doing, going off like that?”

He shrugged.  I wanted to play pool.  Guess I was too good for those guys.”

Red scrunched her face.  “We will buy a pool table.  We have some considerable problems now and we can’t have people going off.  At the very least you should have had some muscle with you.  It’s a good thing we have a tracker for you.”

“One of *my* trackers.  Yeah.” Donnie said, a little defensively.

“You guys know I’m right here.  And my eyes are really fucking uncomfortable.  I would really like to blink now.”

To the door she said, “Hey, you can let him have his head.”

“Argh!” Rog closed his eyes and it was like sandpaper.  “My eyes … feel … like a Dead show.  Visine!”

Red rolled her eyes.  “So, this is some kind of blood debit, Donnie?”

“You make that sound dumb. I just feel like I owe him is all.  Doc said I’d be dead if I hadn’t gotten to him, much less taken a few more hits.”

“Well I’m stuck with him now.” Red sighed.  “This day just … ugh.”

“Does this mean you gonna pay my fare?”

“I think so?” Donnie questioned, looking at Red.

Red turned, her long straight hair flying with the twist.  “Well, about that.  You see… you know that nice lady that dispatched you and gave you the tracker?”

“Nice lady?  Gladys is the biggest bitch I’ve ever met!”

“Well she’s had an accident.  Ran off the freeway and into a pole.  Terribly sad.  Freak mechanical failure.”

“No shit.  Well that boyfriend of hers was a mechanic.  Kept tinkering with the cars around the shop.  Probably fucked that up.  I wonder if he feels bad or relieved?”

“Hm.  Well yeah.  And you know Mr. Randal, the owner of your limo company?  Yeah, his house had a fire.  I’m afraid he died of asphyxiation. Another… accident.”  She drew out that last word, sounding ominous.

“Yeah, well, he always was a cheap ass.  Probably didn’t change the smoke detector batteries when you fall back like they say you should.  He was a cheap ass like that.”  Rog hung his head. “Little sad though.  How’s the dog?”

“Dog?”

“He had a dog.  One of those yappy little things don’t like nobody but his owner.”

“I … ” She squinted at Rog.  “Exactly how dumb are you?”

He flinched, screwed up his face and then looked around.  “On what scale?”

“I’m sorry?”

“What’s the scale?  I mean, there’s Einstein on one end and a rock on the other.  We going metric here or what?”

The redhead shut her eyes and shook her head.  “Just… Shut up.”

“Ok, but you’re getting my fare, right?”

“Donnie.  He’s your puppy.  Get him a room and get him out of my way.  We’re in lockdown until we know what’s going on with Ted.”  She stormed out of the room.

The two men looked at each other.  “You look like shit.” Rog said.

Donnie looked down and then up.  “And you look like you pissed yourself.”

“Hey, I told them I had to go.”

“Yeah, whatever.  Come on.  Can you walk?”

Rog sniffed, gave a cocky grin and said “Yep” as he stood up and promptly fell on his face like a sack of loosely tied sausages.

“Oh geez!” Donnie said, moving to help him up.  He winced as he started to bend over and felt his head.  “Uh.  the doctor said I’m not supposed to bend over or do anything strenuous.  And helping you up is both.”  He looked at Rog trying to move.  The sloppy, sliding motions had no power behind them and he flopped, ragdoll like on the linoleum.

“Yeah, well, I thought this might be comfortable for a while.”

“There must be some residual paralysis from the spell or some toxin left from the darts.  Or maybe you just have your extremities asleep from not moving in so long.  If so you should start to feel the pins and needles in…”

“AAAAAarrrrgggggh!!!!”

“I guess about now.  Try to move around.”

“What?  Screw you pall!” Rog laid out on the floor and tried to hover, spread eagle.

“No, it will help.  I think.  That’s what I always do when my hands or legs fall asleep.”

“What so this shit happens to you often?”

“Well, I spend a lot of time in the lab not moving much so… yeah.”

Rog moved his thick, stumpy legs to lift his knees and threw his right hand onto his chest.  “RRRRRrrg  That’s kinda pathetic, dude!”

“Well, it’s a lifestyle choice.  Not all of us are the physical type!” Donnie put his fists on his fat hips. “I’m an intellectual!”

“Yeah, I can see that.”

“You know,” Donnie said in a high-pitched lilt. “I’m tempted to tell Red that she was right and that blood debits are kind of for pussies.”

“AAaaaarr.  Dude, don’t be a baby.” Rog managed to flop over, which made the wet spot on his pants all the more apparent.  “And what was she talking about with a lockdown?”

“Well, you heard all about our problems with our boss?”

“Yeah.  Orange overlord.  Meanest of the mean.  Got it.”

“Well you don’t got it.  We run Flanderal industries.  Ted’s company.  His legitimate company.”

“Your right.  I don’t got it.  The guy that owns Flanderal’s got to have serious bank.  Why is he fucking around being the Orange Overlord?”

“Well it’s complicated, but there are synergies between the two organizations.”

“Organizations?” Rog could finally start to sit up.  “What organization.  The Orange Overlord was just one guy.”

“One guy that controls territory.  you can’t hold turf without boots.  It’s impossible to be that powerful.  You simply can’t be everywhere.  There is a structure and the Orange overlord is at the top.”  Donnie got sad and looked to the side.  “Or at least he was.  And none of us are quite sure what’s going to happen now.”

“So.  Question time… Why aren’t the feds on your ass right now?”

Donnie smiled.  “There are a lot of layers to the ownership of things.  Ted was clearly the majority stockholder, but that could have just been coincidence.  Everything is highly compartmentalized.”

“Like a terrorist organization.”

“More like an army.  Don’t confuse criminal with sloppy.”

“All right.  Fine.” Rog got up on one knee and one hand and hoisted himself up on wobbly legs.  “Great.  So, you’re organized.  You still worked for a bad guy.”

Donnie looked up at him.  “Well, so did you.”

“Excuse me?” Rog squinted.

“Atlas limo.  A wholly owned subsidiary of Trinary transportation, which is owned by Confed delivery which is owned through an offshore shell company by Flandearal.  You work for the orange overlord.”

Rog smirked.  “Worked, you mean.”

“Have you ever heard the phrase, ‘out of the frying pan and into the fire?'”

As they left the room, Rog said, “Nah.  I don’t cook much.”

Minions – NaNoWriMo Day 2 – First Night

 

Minions – Another Prologue – And This is Where it Started to Get Weird

With the guy, Donnie, Roj had to correct himself, his name was Donnie, still over his shoulder Roj limped into the room.  The guy weighed a ton and based upon the squishy feel of his torso it wasn’t from lifting weights.  Roj slit the man clumsily into the nearest seat and his hand reflexively scooting to the circle in front of him lit his chair.

Roj stepped back a pace.  He was amazed that the guy could still move.  A beating like that should have left him leveled for a good couple hours if not longer, but in his experience he knew that was a rule of thumb.  No one could ever tell what a beating would do to a guy.

From the head of what he could see was an oval table, an alto voice broke through.  “Ah good.  Hi Donnie.  Glad you could fit us into your schedule.”

“Had to…” he swallowed.  “Had to drop by the lab first.”

The woman, red hair now blazing in the overlight at her position made the sound of a frown.  “You were to come here immediately.  Did you not get the message?”

The man raised his head with a drunken sway.  “No.  Broke in the fight.”

Around the table the half dozen or so other people Roj could see made little scoffing noises.  He knew better.  Donnie is lucky to be here at all.

“Ah…  Well I really didn’t think you needed the combat version, but I guess I’ll have to reasess.  Seems the time for that anyway.”  She stood and stepped around her chair.  The front of the room lit up as she moved, revealing wall screens.  “It’s good that we’re all here because we have some work to do.  You see, the Orange Overlord has fallen.  More specifically, he is in the custody of our local police force.”

Where there had been scoffs, there was now the non-sound of tension.  The red head hit a button on a remote and the screens lit up.  News reports and video from multiple sources appeared on the monitors.  A fight between the Orange Overlord and Commander Pain played on all screens.  “This is what I believe happened.  Ted took a date – Marcy, I think – to ‘La Province’ and somewhere while there he found he needed to power up and fight his way out.  Commander Pain has been making his plays for the city ever since the Heroes gave up and worked out the Orange Accords  to grant the Overlord dominion over a huge swath of territory in exchange for peace.  Apparently he made his latest play at Ted himself, though how he knew Ted Cal was the Orange Overlord is anyone’s guess.”

“This is very disturbing,” A man in a robe said.

The older, bookish woman next to him added, “And expensive.  This is going to kill Blazon industries.  When people hear that the majority stock holder of Blazon is the Orange Overlord…”

“Yes.  And that’s what we need to figure out.  Ted’s in jail right now.  What are we going to do to help him?”

She looked around at the faces at the table.  No one said a thing.  Aside from the man in the robe and the librarian lady, there was Donnie, a big muscular guy in a polo and a little sprightly guy.  None of them said anything.

“Well what the fuck is he doing in jail?”  Roj said.  He couldn’t help himself, really.  The silence was just creeping him out and he just hated that.

Everyone in the room looked at Donnie, who swayed, turned green and dry-heaved between his splayed knees.  Nothing came out.  He’d left it all in the back of Roj’s car.

“Who is that?  Donnie?  Who have you brought here?”

“Dude didn’t bring anyone.  I had to drag his ass here from the car, past his pigsty of a lab and here.  Ain’t no other way he was going to make it.” Roj was greeted by more silence so he added, “Dude took a pool cue to the head.”

“And you are?”  The redhead asked.

Roj started to look around in the shadows to try to find the door he’d come in.  Something didn’t seem cool all of a sudden.  “Me?  I’m Roj.  I had to go pick up your boy here using some kinda compass thingie.  Executech dispatcher gave it to me and said to make sure the guy got here.”  He motioned to Donnie.  “Here he is.  You know…  I figured he’d be leaving as soon as you realized his brains are scrambled, so I hung around.”

The redhead’s smiled with her mouth but not her eyes.  “How very industrious of you.  Tell me, Roj,” she said his name as if it were a joke.  “How much of what was discussed here did you hear?”

He scoffed.  “Look lady, I’ve been driving limo’s for five years now and I just never hear anything anymore, know what I mean?”  He smiled and looked around the room.  No one could see the smirk on his face.  He was still in shadow.

“How much?”  Her tone was cold and humorless.

Swallowing hard, Roj said, “Um… Just about everything, but really, I don’t say shit to nobody.  I mean, who the hell am I going to tell, amiright?”

“That is a very good question, Roj.”

“I’m pretty sure I was speaking hypothetically.  That’s … I mean sometimes I … people misunderstand.  I meant to say I can keep a secret.”

“And I am very good at ensuring people keep secrets, Roj.”  The Redhead pulled out a large white plastic gun from her hip holster and aimed it at Roj.  Darts the size of toothpicks slammed into his chest, sticking in and then melting into his punctured flesh.

“Ha.  Ah!  Oh.  Oh good I thought you were … we … I … park … shirt …” Roj hit the floor thinking unhappy thoughts about punching a woman.

Minions – NaNoWriMo Day 1 – When You Gotta Go

[Author’s note: I wrote today, the first day of National Novel Writing Month, but this is not what I wrote.  What I wrote will be the next posting.  Be forewarned.  This is a rough draft, even rougher than this, which is pretty rough.

Stay Weird

-SC]

Minions – Prologue – Yeah, So Here’s Where It All Started

A door flew open with a metallic clang as a man crashed through it.  He landed with a meaty thud and the scrape of dirt across old asphalt.

He scrambled to gain his feet, to get away from the door but only find the line of parked cars offering their bumpers.  Gasping for breath, he climbed one.  He only got as far as the trunk.

“Ya fuck.  Ya really think ya cheat me? At ma own place?” The big man pushed his victim’s face into the body work, then spun him back arched across the newly dented trunk.  Face full of new blood.

A right hook sent that blood flying across the alley parking lot.  The big man reveled in sadistic righteousness that extended to the two other men who had come to join him.  The victim’s face was out of expression, having spent it all on the fright that had been punched away.  The sadist pulled his arm back, a wicked grin of anticipation on his face for the next bow.

“You know, I wouldn’t hit him again.” The voice was deep and light coming from deep in the alley.  “Any more punishment and he’ll have brain damage, like you guys.  Can’t have that.”

“Ya?  And who the fuck ‘re ya?”

The man stepped into the light, confidently advancing on the scene.  Broad but not tall.  White shirt and black pants.  He took in half a hotdog into his mouth in a single bite and then said around it, “I’m his fucking mom.”  He swallowed.  “We’re late for soccer practice and the pudgy fuck needs to burn off some fucking mallomars.”

He took another huge bite and threw the rest into a convertible.  Chewing with his mouth open, he unzipped his pants and pulled out his penis.  Crumbs and flecks of meat dribbled down his shirt as he thrust his hips, letting his dick flap.

“Get him.” The big man said to his companions.

The now half naked man smiled at them pushing food through his teeth.  They looked at each other and backed away, shaking their heads.

“How about you? The man said through his food. “Wanna play?”

The big man threw the now barely conscious man to the ground and walked back through the door.  “Crazy Fuck.  Whatever, have him. Never come back.”

Stars descended on the man.  He stumbled to stay up on one hand while the other grabbed his nose. A thin orange line in a circle appeared were the blood ran through his palm.  The crunch of boots rose over the singing stars.

“So.  I am hoping that you are Donnie.”

The man nodded, trying to keep a hold on his nose and consciousness.

“Good.  We should get going.  That trick only works so well and I’m out of hot dogs.”  The man zipped his pants up as he walked back into the alley. A fob to turned on the lights of a car.  “You can walk, right?”

The injured man nodded and then fell to his knees shaking his head.

“Damn.”  The broad man went back to help the injured man up and helped him limp his way to the car.  “Must have taken a few licks inside.  What cha do, anyways?  No offense but you don’t seem like the bar fight type.”

“Thought I was cheating … pool.”  He walked a pace and then threw up on the ground.  They walked through it.

“Whatever.  Good thing I got this urgent call, then, or I’d be picking up at the morgue.  Come on.  Car’s just up ahead.”

Minions – Another Prologue – And This is Where it Started to Get Weird

[Author’s note:  This is the project for NaNoWriMo 2017.  I’m posting my words as I go so I don’t just write nonsense or political rants or porn.  These first two are prologues and they do not count towards the word count.  While not great, I have polished them a little.  Everything else, not so much.  I’m going to try to get the nonsense out of the draft before posting but no promises.  Hopefully there is enough story there to get me to 50K words.  If not… porn it is!

Stay weird

-SC]

Idle Hands – Episode 3 –The New Girl – Part 3

[Author’s note: This is the last of three parts and will likely not make much sense without parts one and two]

Mitch set up two drinks at the bar for Sal and Dee Dee.  The bar was deserted this late on a Monday, so he was cleaning glasses and listening in for the entertainment value.

“Hi, Sal!  I’m really glad you could meet me so we could go over this.”  Dee Dee took a sip of her Virgin Bloody Mary.

Sal felt both nervous and ungrateful.  “Yeah.  You know, I don’t want to do that job.  It just seems, and no offence to you, but it seems sort of … cruel.”

“Well, I certainly don’t want you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.  But we do want to see you out working and getting paid, so let’s see what we can do”

She opened up her lap top and pulled up the ever-changing job opportunities board.  Putting in ‘Accountant’, she was dismayed by the choices.

Beaming a plastic smile only slightly too wide for her face she said, “Ok, I want to emphasize that we one hundred percent guarantee that you will get these jobs.”

“It’s that bad a list, eh?  Well, let’s hear it.”

“We have a foreclosure specialist.”

“Keep moving.  I’m not taking away houses”

“Tax auctioneer.  Ah, here’s one!  An auditor for child protective services.  I hear that they have great Benefits!”

She beamed her too-wide smile at him, which freaked him out.

“Oh, uh, you know what?  If this is at the top of the list, we should just stop.”

“But, I’ve got a few more openings!”

“Stop,” he commanded in a quiet tone.

She started to lose her composure and gave him a glaring stare. “Look, I’m sure I can find a job that is good enough for you and your… particular tastes.  You have no idea what placing you means to me.”

“I’m sure these are fine jobs.  I’m just not so… I can’t check my heart at home.  I’m sure others can, but that’s not me.  Really, these kinds of things, selling people’s homes and taking away their babies, that kind of thing keeps you up nights.  I don’t think I’d be good at it, either.”

She glared at him with blue sparks in her eyes before finally saying “Fine! But can you please just finish out the week?  I have other candidates for the job, but I need a bit of time to transition them in.  And I really want to try to get you another job.”

“Sure, I guess.  As long as I can give notice tomorrow.  I don’t want to cause you any grief or anything, I just want out.  I can stay until Friday.  But after that… I don’t know.  These are pretty much all non-starters.”

“Yeah.  Good.”  She got up and stomped to the back of the bar, barely able to control her mounting anger. “I’ve got to go take a wiz.”

Mitch leaned over the bar after she was gone. “Man, What a bitch.  Bet she pees standing.”

“She’s just doing a crappy job, Mitch.  I can sympathize.”

“That’s your problem, Sallie.  You are too nice.”

“Well, I’d rather have that problem than be a bastard.”

Both men turned to the back of the bar as a feedback scream of frustration grew louder and more intense.  Suddenly, the wall at the back of the bar blew open as if a bomb had gone off.  Shrapnel and plaster flew out into the table area near the bar.

“Oh my god!  That girl!  She was in there!”  Sal walked toward the exploded rubble and was about to call after Dee Dee when a large, silver hand shot out and grabbed his neck.  Through the dust, a huge, shock-laden smile stretched across the hole.

Mitch threw a bottle of vodka at the monster in a panic.  It burst into flame on contact with the demon’s sparking skin.  In its surprise, the monster dropped Sal and both men ran for their lives.

“What was that?” Mitch yelled as they scrambled in to the haze of the night.

Sal looked back.  “I don’t know, but Dee Dee!…”

“Don’t even think!” the young man said, breathing hard.  He came to an exhausted stop in a nearby alley.  “Ain’t Nothing you can do, Sallie.”

“Yeah, poor girl.”  Sal walked over and slumped against the brick wall.  He looked back at the now smoking bar, rubbed his throat, and tried hard to make sense of what just happened.

“Who are you calling ‘poor’?”  A voice from farther in the alley startled the men.  Dee Dee appeared from the shadows, dirty but seemingly alive.

“Hey Lady!  You OK?  We thought…”

“Well you thought wrong,” she snapped.  “Look, we need the Police or the army or something here.  Some kind of monster.  Can you call for help?”

Sal looked at his phone.  “Strange, no.  My cell phone is dead.”

Dee Dee walked up to Mitch and put a hand on his shoulder.  “Why don’t you find a pay phone or something and call the cops?”  Her words dripped with fake sweetness.

“Why me?” he shrieked.

“Because Sal’s old, I’m a frightened little girl, and it’s your bar that’s on fire.  Now go!”  She pushed him into the street and he sprinted off into the night.  She smiled a smile that was uncomfortably wide and said softly, “Besides, Sal and I need to have a little chat.”

She turned around and faced Sal.  Her hand went to her hip and she tapped her foot.  The light from the street poured over her shoulder into the dark alley. All Sal could see was her clearly annoyed outline.

“Do you know how hot it is in hell?  I mean really?  You people think that this summer heat wave is hot, but where I used to work, now that was hot!”

Sal looked at her outline and couldn’t comprehend what he was hearing.  “Wha… HUH?”

“Oh, come on, Sal.”  She spoke sweetly but he could now see her spark-filled eyes in the dark, recessed shadow of her head. “You don’t think I’d go through all of this trouble just for a commission, do you?  You see, you are my ticket to a job working on the earth.  There are certain… fringe benefits… that I really like about working here.  The weather is just the beginning.”

She began to walk slowly towards Sal.  He could see the outline of her legs beneath her skirt suit.  They walked toward him in a smooth, sexy fashion, one leg slightly crossing the other.  But when her feet hit the pavement there was a crunching sound.  It was as if the pavement was complaining about having to support her.  Her smile, which was always a little freaky, now stretched to the very bottoms of her ears and her teeth shot sparks at each other.

“You!  You are the monster from the bar!” Sal started to back away from the woman who seemed to grow taller and less human with each passing step.

“Duh!”  Her voice now had a hint of the feedback-scream. “You really aren’t that smart, Sal. But since you brilliantly figured that out, I’m going to give you one last chance.”

Dee Dee’s right hand stretched out, becoming huge and metallic with sparks arcing between the fingers.  Her thin arms became long flexible.  The hand grew as it came toward him, fingers stretching out like knives. It snatched him up off the ground. “Take the job.  Any job. I really don’t care.” The hand made a cage around him and dragged him close.  “I’ll pay you a ridiculous amount of money.  I’ll send your kids to college.  Hell, I’ll even suck your putrid dick. Just take the job.  It really does mean quite a lot to me, Sal.”

His thin hair stood on end and he cried out in terror. “Ah!  Ah!  So, what if I still don’t take the job?”

“Well, that’s easy.”  Her huge mouth curled at the ends in a perversion of a smile. “Do that and I go back to plan ‘A’ and kill you.  Not as advantageous, I’ll admit, but it will make me feel better about going back home.”

Her spark-filled eyes gleamed as she held him above the ground in a strong, vice-like grasp.  She opened her mouth wide and he screamed “Oh God!”

“Not quite.  The boy-scouts stay out of our little game.”  It was a new voice, a man with the hint of a smile under his voice.  Dark red smoke filled the alley.  One rope of smoke formed around the arm that held Sal.  As he watched, it became a pair of sheers which closed and severed the hand that held him.  An inhuman scream erupted from Dee Dee as she turned around to try to find the source of this attack.

Sal dropped to the ground, still in the hand’s unyielding grasp. He kicked at the metallic fingers. They wouldn’t budge, but they no longer squeezed or sparked.  Whatever happened next, he was helpless to do anything but watch.

Dee Dee twirled around as the smoke quickly gathered in one place.  She shrank down to her human form as sparks re-grew her missing hand.  Clutching her wounded forearm, she looked at the man who formed from the billow of red smoke.  His suit was impeccable, and though it was a dark night, he wore yellow-reflective sunglasses.  With his blood red suit, black shit and black tie, he looked like a pimp or a rock star.

The wounded woman looked at him.  “Fuck!  You know how much that hurts, you dick?”

“Dee Dee!  Is that any way to talk to your Boss?  And here I thought we were becoming friends!”

“Friends, my ass!  You stuck me with a self-righteous loser that doesn’t want to work for shit.”

“So, you attack him?” He clasped his hands in front and looked at the ground.  “I suppose you might call that a bargaining technique, but I had asked you not to abuse the clients.  In fact, it’s a dismissible offense.”

Dee Dee snarled. “You won’t do that!  I’ve got the man himself backing me and that trumps your bullshit rules any day.”

He moved around and talked to the air, gesturing with his hands.  “You know, you’re right.  The Big D likes you and he really wants you to fit in and learn the ropes here.  Quite frankly, that is enough to overcome some infractions of the code of conduct.”

Dee Dee’s grin was spark-filled, wild and six inches too long for her face.  “Good, so fuck off!”

The man in the suit walked calmly with his hands clasped behind his back. “On the other hand, your employment was contingent on the successful placement of a certain ‘self-righteous loser’ for a period of five weeks.  And it seems to me that our little test is not exactly going well.”

Her crazy smile started to droop at the corners.  “We were dealing with that when you showed up and fucked it up.  Go back to playing your little games, doomed man.”

“Well, you see, it’s my duty to follow up with our clients and placement employees to gauge their satisfaction.  So, excuse me while I talk to our friend here.”

“What? Wait!”

He quickly became a cloud of smoke and swarmed around Dee Dee.  Re-forming on the other side, he walked over to Sal, still trapped in Dee Dee’s severed hand “Hi!  I’m here to enquire about your satisfaction with our placement services.  Do you have a second, or is this not a good time?”  He smiled a genuine smile which confused Sal all the more.

“What?”  The prone man was wide-eyed in disbelief.

“I’d like to know if you are happy with our placement services.  So, tell me, do you feel that you are in a position where all the elements are in place for you to succeed?”

“Huh?  No!  The job’s a nightmare.” Sal saw Dee Dee approach the man from behind, growing in height, strength and power as she did. He struggled furiously against the constraining, severed metal hand.  “Get me out of here!”

“This is stupid.  I’m being railroaded.” Dee Dee powered up her right hand to swipe at both the struggling Sal and his interrogator.  Her hand came across like a crane boom with talons, but smoke quickly formed around both men and hardened into a curved wall.  Her blow glanced off the wall, throwing her off balance.

The structure dissipated into smoke as quickly as it had formed.  From that smoke, the man in his sharp dark-red suit and tie emerged and walked towards Dee Dee.  She was quickly regaining her composure and was readying for another strike.  He raised his hand.  “That’s enough.”  The smoke rushed at Dee Dee.  She swiped at it with both spark-filled hands but to no avail.  A brick-red crust started to form around her wrists. Once it was thick enough to hold her, it pulled her arms behind her back.

“What the hell do you think you are doing!” She shouted.  Her mouth grew bigger and the sparks that made up her teeth arced out like crazy lightning.  Her voice boomed like thunder.  “LET ME GO!”

With his hand still raised, the man in the suit now pointed a finger and a large, constrictive gag went over her mouth.  He materialized a binder with the Idle Hands logo on the cover and calmly flipped through it as he strolled up to her.  “You see?”  He showed her a page in the book.  “Paragraph 4 of the agreement you signed.  ‘Third party satisfaction surveys are routinely conducted two weeks after an initial placement and every month after.’  You aren’t being railroaded.  It’s in your contract.  Plus, check out paragraph 7.  I can use whatever means necessary to carry out my survey.  You really should have read through the employee handbook instead of just blazing through to the signature page.  Your loss.  So, I’m not going to let you go.  You are interfering with my evaluation.” He snapped the binder closed and it instantly turned into red smoke.  “So, hang out while I finish this satisfaction survey.  Who needs a spell book when you can have an employee handbook?”

Dee Dee glared at him with sparking eyes and fought against her bonds as soon as he turned back to Sal.  “Sorry for the interruption.  So, where were we?  Ah yes. You had problems with your current placement.  Did you bring them up with your Idle Hands representative?”

“Yeah, I called.”  Sal looked down at the now disembodied and immobile, giant, metal hand that held him.  “Hey, can you do something about this?  It’s really uncomfortable.”

“Oh, of course.  How rude of me.”  Smoke swirled around the confining metal cocoon and it slowly relaxed its grip on the middle-aged accountant.  “So, what happened next?”

“What happened next is she tried to kill me.”  Sal dusted himself off and looked at the man.  Fire from the bar lit him from the side, the flams making jumpy patterns on the brick wall behind him.  And those mirrored shades held the flame. “I looked over the jobs she had and I didn’t want any of them.  She lured us out here, got me alone, and threatened to kill me if I didn’t take a job.”

“You know, we have strict rules about that sort of thing.”

Sal shot an angry look at Dee Dee.  The fire dancing off of the shining metal facets of her demonic form.  “I’d hope so.  And why am I not scared?  I should be terrified of you two, but I’m not.”

“Oh, I find I have a calming influence when I get involved in HR matters.  And on that point, are you sure I can’t place you anywhere?  Based upon your experience here at Idle Hands, with Ms. Dee Dee, you are sure you want to sever your relationship here?”

Sal nodded and said, “Absolutely.”  The word carried forever, as if it had broken some sort of spell.

Dee Dee fought wildly against her restraints and finally managed to slip free.  She used this free hand to tear free the gag that held her mouth shut.  “This guy is full of shit.  You set me up!”

“You can think what you want Dee Dee, but he just quit, your contingency came up and now…”  He grinned an evil grin that seemed right at home on his face. “I believe that you are dismissed.”

Dee Dee screamed a feedback scream of utter contempt as she lunged at the two men.  As she attacked, a great burst of hellfire surrounded her.  She continued to reach for Sal even as she burned.  The hellfire yanked her back down to the pit just in time as her lunge stopped just short.   Screaming an awful metallic scream, she was sucked back into hell.

The fire went out in seconds, leaving no trace of ever having been in the alley.  Sal looked at the mysterious man who had saved him and tried to think of something to say.  He finally settled on “Thanks … I think.”

“Don’t mention it.  I’m just doing my job.”

“And what exactly is that?  I have a strong suspicion that I’m not going to remember any of this so you may as well tell me the truth.”  He tried to look the man in the eye but was blocked by his sunglasses.  “I’m right about that, aren’t I?  People don’t just have this kind of thing happen to them and get to tell about it.  You’d have heard.”

“Yeah, Sal, you aren’t going to remember anything odd about me or Dee Dee.  You’ll get paid well … extremely well … for your hours and I’ll make sure there is a bonus in there for you, because…”  He paused and faced Sal.  The man was middle aged, rumpled, and defeated by life, yet he had an air of dignity. He’d never given in to the struggle.  “Because I like you, Sal.  I deal with people all day … and they are assholes.  They just suck, but you … you have done me a favor by just giving a damn and being a good guy.  If I have one true gift of my own it’s to be able to size a guy up and know what he’s good for.  I saw you and knew you’d be able to do this for me because you are fundamentally decent.  And while you were doing that, I have done you an insulting disservice.  Think of the bonus as my way of saying sorry, you deserve better.”

“Well, that’s kind of you.  Thanks again. Money isn’t everything, but it does buy some nice stuff.”

The man chuckled behind his glasses.  “Yes, it does.”

“But I’m troubled.  You seem nice and all to me, but the things you are doing… you and that… whatever that was … They aren’t very nice, are they?” They walked out of the alley and into the stuffy night.  Mitch’s bar was now fully on fire and the two could see him wandering around outside.

“I’d like to say you don’t have the right of it.  But, you see, we didn’t come up with the postings.”

Sal stopped walking, which made the man stop as well.  “But you fill them.”

The fire from the bar lit the man’s face and glinted in his yellow-mirrored sunglasses.  “Sal, the world is a place that is filled with horrible consequences and even worse random shit-storms.  You didn’t deserve unemployment.  That Barron shit kid doesn’t deserve to fuck supermodels.  And no one deserves to be on the receiving end of a screwing, but life is risk.  That foreclosure job?  How do you know those people reached for the ring and came up short?  Actions, consequences, free will.  For instance, no one is forced to work at Idle Hands, not even me.”

“Or me.  This… I’m probably still in shock, to be this calm …”  A throaty woosh came from the bar as something inside of it gave way.  “… but really, I just want to forget all of this.”

“Yeah.  I can do that for you.  Kinda have to.”  The man avoided Sal’s gaze. “Hope you don’t mind.”

“But how do I know that I’m now done, that you won’t test me again or use me as a pawn?  Can I get your assurance that I’ll never be messed with by you or your people again?  Can you give me that?”

The man smiled.  “I give you my word and my promise.”  He raised his hand and said “We are done.”  A small puff of smoke blew out of both of Sal’s ears.  He stared blankly for a while and turned to help Mitch, having forgotten all about his dealings with Idle Hands.

“And Heaven forbid, Sal, that I would ever tell a lie!”  He chuckled, and in the street the echo of his laughter lingered.  The haunting sound stewed in the sweltering heat of the summer night, becoming one with the sound of the burning bar and the approaching sirens.  Real flames now poured out of the broken windows. And the man in the red suit, slowly turning to smoke, joined with them and drifted away.

[Author’s final note:  Sorry for leaving you hanging over the weekend.  I’m still not sure about the final edit on the last bit, but either I left it alone for a week or shoved it out on stage now with cue cards.  Hope it’s not too hackneyed.

And here again I’ll ask you for likes, to tell your friends and random people on the street about the story and the site.  Also, if you like Idle Hands, Maybe you’d like my main ongoing, “The Strange” which has a much slower burn than this, but is starting to tighten the screws.  I’m not advertizing and my social media ability is kinda crap, so word of mouth would be absolutely huge for me and help me justify continuing to write stories for you all.  I love to do it, but it is a bunch of work.  Please help me out if you can.  More than enough said.

Stay Weird.  More Strange coming this week.

-SC]

 

 

 

Idle Hands – Episode 3 –The New Girl – Part 2

[Author’s note: This is part 2 of 3 and will make not a whole lot of sense without part 1 which is here.]

The next morning Dee Dee slipped from behind a street lamppost in the middle of the town’s central park.  The grass was well watered but suffering under the summer’s heat.  The gray paving stones of the park’s walkways radiated heat back at the demon woman as she walked.  To her it seemed like a fine spring day but the people in the park were wilting under the heat and humidity.  In her pinstriped skirt-suit she stalked seductively through the park looking for her new boss.

“You are late.”  From the bench she just passed, the man in a sharp, red suit took a drink of coffee from a red ceramic mug.  The logo for Idle Hands, Inc. smiled from the side as he took a drink.

She smiled as sweet as she could, through the rough lines on her youthful looking face.  “Good morning to you too.  I was, um…”

“Sun glasses.  You should wear sun glasses, especially on the surface.”  He produced a pair of Ray Bans from a cloud of red smoke and tossed them to her. “Makes you look cool.  People like that.”

“I’m sorry,” She flipped the sunglasses back. “I already look cool, thanks.”

“No you don’t.  You look bitchy.  There’s a difference.  There’s cool, and then there’s frigid.”

“Excuse me?”

He put up his hands as an illustration.  “You are giving off two different vibes here.  One of them is ‘fuck me’ and the other is ‘I’m going to kick your ass.’  Combined, it comes out to looking bitchy.”

He stood up and his mug disappeared in another puff of red smoke.  “Let me help you out with something.  You may have been the big D’s pick for this position, but you are still my employee, and that makes me your boss.  You think that D gave you the run of the place, but you are wrong.  Use the glasses.”  She looked surprised that he was talking to her that way.  “Besides, you say way too much with your eyes.  You want to keep that you’re going to tell the big man that I’m mean to you a secret?  Use the glasses.”

She snatched back the sunglasses, put them on and said, “Yes sir!”

He looked at her and smirked “And don’t be smart.  Take a good look around.  The downtown’s screwed from unemployment.  A veritable playground.  See anyone you like?”

She looked at the men with newspapers and pens, some with briefcases in suits.  Pointing at a particularly rough looking young man, drinking from a tall boy beer, she said, “How about that guy?”

“Nah, He’s given up already.”

“Yeah, you’re right.  Taking that guy is a waste of time.  He’s already on his way to hell.”

He looked at her and raised an eyebrow.  “You still don’t understand the plan, do you?”

“I understand fine, I just think the plan is a little ‘pussy’ is all.  I mean, look at these fuckers.  You telling me any of them are good for shit?”

The man stroked his goatee, raised a finger, and pointed at the sour looking young woman.  “Hmm, well understand this.  We need workers, not slackers.  No matter how inherently evil, a slacker makes no impression on the world.  We want people to work to further the cause of misery, because through human suffering, comes human temptation.  It all has to fall out of free will.  People choose to give each other a hard time, leading to more and more desperate circumstances.  Eventually even good people turn to evil of their own free will.  It’s a domino effect, with each domino getting bigger.  And it’s working.  The big D must think so or else you wouldn’t be here.”

“Fine, we play it your way,” she added a snide, “Sir!  But I’d much rather be making some of these bastards’ nightmares come true.”

He quietly said, “This is a placement agency, not a dating service.  You can work on your love life in your own time.”

“What?”

“You heard me.  So, you got anyone you like?”

“No, they all look like desperate losers.”

“Well maybe we can take a break and see if you can score some dates instead.”

She turned on her heel and put a hand on her hip.

Ignoring her poisonous stare, he said, “Come on, I think I have your challenge.”

🙂 😦 😉

 

“God, it’s hot.”  Sal slumped into the shady park bench.  The humid breeze reminded Sal of an open oven from which there was no relief.

The truth was he had seen many of the places that were hiring already.  Every one of them had said that they would keep his resume on file, in case something showed up.

He looked around at the buildings that ringed the park and imagined his resume residing in dozens of offices, just waiting to be hooked up with a job.  “Something is bound to happen,” he mumbled.

From a place beyond the vision of mortal eyes, Dee Dee and her new boss looked at Sal.  “Him?  That old fart is my test? And what is he, like, Fifty-two?  And he’s going to heaven, so far.”

He nodded.  “Yeah, and he still might, even if he keeps one of our jobs.  It’s a strange system, getting into heaven and it’s not even our concern.  We’re spreading woe through the abstract layer of the system, not singling out our workers for damnation.”

“Yeah, but…”

He cut her off.  “Look, I thought you were the people person and the crafty manipulator.  You think this guy can beat you?  I need to give you a challenge, not just a hall-pass to torment the living.”  He waived off the thought. “You get this guy one of our jobs and keep him there? You’re in.  If not, well…”

“How long?” Dee Dee looked at her hand.  It dissolved in a shower of sparks and twisting metal until it became a cell phone attached to her wrist.

“Month.  Five weeks to be exact.”

She snarled with more venom than should be possible with her girlish human face and tiny frame.  “Fine!  Save your reverse psychology bullshit.  Not only am I going to get this guy working for us, I’ll damn his soul too.”  She pressed a button and Sal’s cell phone beeped.

“Hello?”

“Hi, this is Dee Dee from the Idle Hands employment agency.  We ran across your resume and would like to speak to you about a position we have opening up at Barron Brothers Holdings.  Do you have a moment?”

Sal looked around the park, cupping his hand to the phone.  Dee Dee watched him from her invisible vantage point.

“I guess I can take a moment.  One thing though.  What’s the pay rate?”

The small woman smiled a smile that was too wide for her face and she said, “I’m sure something can be arranged.”

🙂 😦 😉

 

Shelly came through the still un-repaired hole in the office wall and sat in a chair.  “She’s a total nightmare.”

Without taking his sunglasses up from the paper he was reading, the man behind the desk nodded. “I know”

“She’s totally botched my filing system and is an utter bitch!”

“I know”

“Did you know that she has been dating topsiders to death for sport?  Not to mention that she keeps leaving us with the bill at happy hour.”

The man looked up.  “That’s actually kind of funny.”

“Not on what you pay us it’s not.  She’s prancing around here like she runs the place.”

“I run the place.”

“Not for long and at this rate there won’t be anything left to run.  You’ve got to wonder what the Big D was thinking, sending her here.”

At that, he stopped and put down the paper.  “Ah yes, the Duke of Deceit.  I tell him we’re growing and need some help and he sends me someone to help force me out and no doubt send me back to eternal torment.”

He kicked back in his desk chair and laced his fingers.  “One thing I learned while wandering in hell’s endless desert is that a fervent devotion to deception, lying and chaos tends to make a being predictable, if you are organized and observant of its behavior.”

Shelly flipped her hand and a bit of blood oozed over her palm.  She mentally pulled it back in. “Moot point if you are sent down.  My afterlife is going to suck.”

Leaning forward, the man smiled under his sunglasses.  “Now shelly, would I make your hereafter a living hell?”

Her face brightened. “You have a plan?”

“I have better than a plan.  I have a man.”

🙂 😦 😉

 

Papers shuffled in nervous hands as Sal prepared for his first meeting at Barron Brothers Holdings.  It had taken three weeks to draw up detailed prospectus sheets on the two companies the firm was looking into and he was happy to find two solid companies.

He walked into the meeting room five minutes early to find people he didn’t know joking and talking.  “I’m sorry, I’m here for the ten o’clock meeting for Foster Inc. and Stewart Manufacturing.  Is this it?”

“Yes!  You must be Sal.”  The young man in a well pressed shirt offered his hand, but did not stand.  “I’m Duncan Barron.  Bill told me you have been going over the Foster and Stewart records with a microscope.  I appreciate the attention to detail.  But can you nutshell it for me?”

“Well, they both are medium manufacturing outfits with reasonable profit margins.  They are solid corporate citizens and both are in reasonable shape with no hidden bombs on the books…”

The smirking young man put up his hand.  “Just tell me, where’s the fat?”

“Excuse me?”  Sal still hadn’t sat down and everyone who had been in the meeting room were now looking at him with half smiles.

“Is there anything in these companies that is doing worse than other pieces?  Less profitable?”

“Well, the Medical Products Division of Foster has operated at a loss for the last two years, weighed down by R&D spending, but is working on a promising new material.  And Stewart’s Auto Parts Section has been hit hard by changes in the auto industry.”

“Ah, well, there you go.  We buy these companies, close down the crappy divisions and sell them off when their stock prices jump up.  Three years, max, make our money back tenfold and wash our hands of the whole thing.”

“But the R&D is what gave Foster the growth in the other sectors, and Stewart has a very good plan to modernize …”

“That’s great and all, but in the now, the companies are weak and our plan is a solid win for our shareholders.”

“But there are four thousand people working in those divisions!”

The room went quiet.  Everyone looked nervously at the seated young man in the crisp shirt and the standing older man in his rumpled brown suit.

The young man smiled. “Well they weren’t working hard enough to be profitable, now were they?  Maybe we can find someone who will want to buy them, but that’s not my concern.”

“Not our concern?  What do those four thousand people do?”

“Look for jobs.”  The room erupted in laughter.  “You are new, so here’s the deal.  It’s all about the quick flip here.  My only concern is to put lipstick on these pigs, make them all sexy looking and sell them to the highest bidder.  If I lop off a few limbs from them, fine.  Thanks for the reports, Sal.  I appreciate the quick turn around.”

The tall blonde man took the two binders from Sal and left him standing in the conference room.  He had the rude impression that he was being dismissed in all possible ways.

Sal looked around the room for a moment and couldn’t believe the apathy of the collected executives.  He turned on his heel and walked out of the meeting room.  As he walked, he could hear the room once again erupt in laughter and understood that he was probably the butt of the joke.

🙂 😦 😉

 

The rhythmic pumping under the railroad overpass came to a climactic stop.  In the pale blue light of an almost full moon, a large man rolled over and revealed a much smaller woman pulling down her miniskirt.  They laid side by side on the railroad tracks, using the hard steel as a pillow.  The smell of cheap happy hour drinks and sweat floated around the pair.

“Wow, you sure are a special kind of woman!”

“You know it, babe.”  She lit a cigarette with a spark from the tip of her finger and straightened her blonde bob cut wig.  “They don’t make them like you every day, either.”  Though there was a bit of sarcasm in her voice, he was much too drunk to hear it.  “It’s been so long for me, Stud.”

He had a goofy grin on his face, which increased the magnitude of his dough-like double chin. “I tell you what, this is the wildest thing I’ve done in … forever.”  He looked over at her, still grinning. “I mean it.  You really are something special.  I’ve got to get your number.”

She smiled a grin that was just ever so slightly wider than it should be.  “Oh, don’t worry, I’ll be sure to stop by so we can relive this night forever.”

“You mean it?”

“Sure I do.  Now lean over here.  I’ve got something to tell you.”  He leaned over onto his elbow and she cuddled up close to his ear.  She sweetly breathed into his ear, “train” and dissolved into a shocking mass of writhing metal that escaped under the oncoming locomotive.

The train passed in a loud, hot rush.  Squealing wheels trampled and crushed the lecherous drunk into man-cobbler.  Minutes passed as the train spread the gore for the better part of a mile before obliviously sliding around the bend and back into the night.

A shower of blue sparks and silver wire coalesced into the form of the woman wearing the blonde wig.  She stood looking at the tracks and watched the last remains of the lecher’s soul slip slowly down into the earth.

Her smile was just slightly too wide, as she said “Oh, we definitely will have to do this again.  But next time, I’ll be on top.”

A few Yards away, a door opened in a solid concrete wall, revealing a bland office corridor.  A man in a dark suit, colored black by the pale blue of the moonlight, came through the door.  She only barely acknowledged the man as she took off the blonde wig.  Her straight black hair, now free, fell to the middle of her back.

“Do you think this wig makes me look bitchy?”

“Uh, No.  It’s not the wig that makes you look bitchy.”

She looked over her shoulder with her hand on her hip.  “I suppose you are here to chastise my choice of dating activities.”

He put his hands up in the air as if in mock surrender.  “Hey, what you do on your own time is none of my business.  Just don’t drag it into the office.  Actually you have someone on hold, waiting for you at your desk.”

“Oh really?”  She smirked.  “They must be important for you to make a new door.  So who is it?”

He smiled. “It’s Sal.”

Her face went white and her smile disappeared as she ran through the door in the concrete slab.  The limbo workers were knocked off their feet by Dee Dee as she passed at a full sprint.  She threw herself into her office.  Straightening her skirt and putting her headset in her ear, she slammed at the phone to get Sal’s call.

“Hi Sal!”  She greeted him with a fake smile and saccharine sweetness in her voice.  “What can I do for you?”

Her face became white, then angry and finally started to crack while listening to the man ramble.  “So, Barron Brothers isn’t what you expected?”  She listened. “It’s really so bad you can’t work it out?  I mean…”  White hot sparks came from the small fissures, metal wires started to snake from the cracks and wind around her face, both binding and breaking.  “Sure, sure.  I understand.  Listen, um, can I possibly meet you somewhere where we can talk about this?  You know, I’d like to be your friend in this.  Maybe you just had a bad day or…”

She continued to nod and reveal more of her monstrous true appearance as a blank-eyed, limbo-bound soul came in carrying some paperwork.  “Sure, Sal, that sounds great.  I know that bar.  It really means a lot to me to see an – uh – upstanding man like yourself up and working.  So, let’s see if we can’t work this out.”  Her face was twisted in a demonic mask of metal wires, spikes and sparks as the last remains of her perky voice chirped “Ok!  See you there!  Bye!”

The man carrying the paperwork said in a limp voice, “Shelly wanted to make sure you filled out all the proper forms for Sal’s change in job status.  She’s a real stickler for that kind of thing.”

Dee Dee suddenly grew a mouth larger across than her desk and lunged at the man.  His eyes bolted wide with panic as she bit his head off with one sadistic “Chomp!”

🙂 😦 😉

Idle Hands – Episode 3 –The New Girl – Part 3

[Another Author’s Note: This is part 2.  Things get a touch nastier here, so … uh … hi mom! 🙂  Part 3 is coming up soon.

I’m still trying to figure out if I’m going Crabtree, Idle Hands or something else after I’m done with “The Strange” so if you like this, please hit the like button or if you have a comment, I’m up for those too.  By the way, “The Strange” is about to get a lot nastier too, so maybe, check that out?  Thanks.

And please spread the word!  I’m trying not to be a self-aggrandizing and pushy bore to people, but it’s tough to let potential readers know that any of this stuff is here.  I’m not advertising so any word of mouth is extremely helpful to me.

Thanks for reading and Stay Weird

-SC]

Idle Hands – Episode 3 –The New Girl – Part 1

Hell, it seemed, had turned its eye toward the city and was slowly turning up the heat.  Yellow and red beams of light tangled with the humidity, becoming solid outside Patty’s bar.  Each red and yellow facet of stained-glass created its own flame, pouring fire out into the sweltering heat of the mid-summer night.

Out of the haze walked an older woman, her graying blonde hair curled by the humidity and heat. She opened the door to the bar and instead of finding the heart of an oven, she found cool relief.  This was not the furnace, it was a respite.  The furnace was the rest of the world.

Though she went up to the bartender, her eyes never left the lone man with a marked up classified section sticking out of his pocket.  “How’s our boy, Mitch?”

The middle-aged man in the rumpled, brown suit stared at his drink.  He looked through the ice cubes, moving them in the glass, making them chase each other around the bottom.

Mitch looked at him with a face of tentative, positive appraisal.  “He ain’t bad, considering.”

“Is he drunk?”

“Nope, just quiet.  He’s been looking at that same drink since I called you.  Seems he ain’t here to be cheered up as much as he don’t wanta feel down no more.  What he’s looking for is in that newspaper, not in that glass.”

The blonde shook her head.  “Sal had a big interview today.  I’m guessing it didn’t go so great.”

“Oh shit, Marcy, I’m sorry to hear that.  How are you all holding up?”

“We’re doing ok.  Got savings.  It’s just hard on him.”  She sighed.  “I better go.  Thanks for being a sweetie.”

“Hey, no problem.”

As the pretty, older blonde walked down the bar, Sal looked sideways at her.

As they watched, Sal seemed to be in a trance.  He stared into the half empty drink glass, at the ice cubes and he started to talk.  It was detached,  as if he weren’t really there.

“I’d be happy to just live up to the life you have given me, Marcy.  But without a job, I can’t pay my way.  I’m not living up to my promise to you, and I’m not living up to the promise I made to myself to do something worthwhile.  My skills aren’t that much, but they come from a life worth of study, and they can make things better for people.  No one wants them.”  He shook his head.  “I just want to be needed again.”

Stroking his shoulder, she said, “I need you, sweetie.  Come on, let’s go home.  Tomorrow’s another day.”

He nodded and absently slid from his bar stool.  He nodded to Mitch.

“Yeah.  See you, Sal.  You take it easy, big guy.”  He watched them go into the hot and muggy night.

🙂 😦 😉

A knock came at the office door and a young woman with a blonde pageboy haircut stuck her head in.  “You’ve got a guest here, boss.  He says he’s interviewing here?”

The man behind the office’s lone desk looked at his watch and said, “Yeah.  It’s a transfer request straight from the big D himself.  Send him in.  Oh, and Shelly,” he added, adjusting his reflective sunglasses, “What do you think of the guy?”

“What do I think?”  She snuck in the door and closed it.  Her slight frame seemed impossibly fragile, yet somehow more feminine than girlish.  “Well, he was kind of a dick to me when he came in, all bossy and ominous.  He lightened up a little after I got him a soda, though.”

“Not the good stuff.”

“Grocery store brand.  Put it in a cup so he wouldn’t bitch.”

“That’s my girl.”  He grinned, stroking his black goatee.  “So in other words, you’d do him.”

She nodded.  “Totally, but I think I’d rather slash my wrists than work for him.”  The tall blonde raised her forearms and giggled, showing long, deep razorblade slashes as she backed through the office door.  “So, you want him now?”

“Sure, send him in,” the man said with a wave.  The blonde girl disappeared and from the hallway he heard a loud thumping sound.  He tugged on his red suit jacket and smoothed his shiny black tie over his even blacker shirt.

Suddenly, the door, frame and all, ripped free of its place on the wall, with a sickening, tearing sound.  Through the hole strode a creature made of metal, wire and blue sparks.  It seemed to be in a constant state of unnatural motion as its arms and legs didn’t seem to keep their length or shape for very long.  The face was a rough sketch made of wire and metal plates, webbed over by constantly changing sparks.  A wicked smile that was much too large for the face grew even larger, showed the sparks that it used for teeth, then said in a voice that sounded like feedback and static, “I’m here to inquire about the job.”

The man wiped dust off of the sleeves of his suit coat and blew the dust off of the desk.  “Yes.  You must be Demon-go.” His hand darted out as he stood and smiled.  Behind the creature, plaster continued to fall. The limbo-bound souls who shuffled paperwork in the office couldn’t help but stare in amazement at the new opening the creature had just made.

“Actually sir, it’s pronounced Dee-MON-go.  Emphasis on the ‘MON.’”

Tipping his finger against his forehead, the man said, “Of course.  Well, are you ready to begin?”

“Sure.  Do you have a copy of my resume?”

“Yes, they sent me an email, and it’s printed…”

The ghastly sparking creature threw a stack of three papers on the desk. “Here you go.  This one has all my formatting and I printed it on some nice paper.”

Picking up the pages, the man felt the weight of them.  “Oh, this is nice paper!  So,” he looked at the resume, “Demongo, I see you have been in the Seriously Fucked Up Sins Department for the past millennium.  What exactly did you do there?”

“Well, I was sodomizing pedophiles,” the thing screeched out.

“Ah,” the man said, lacing his fingers.  “And why do you wish to leave your current position?”

The thing tilted his head and had a hard time looking into the man’s red and yellow sunglasses.  “Well, it was a great job in the beginning.  I started out really strong as a new guy and continued to refine my technique as I was promoted.  But for the last couple decades, I’ve hit a plateau with that kind of work.”

“Understandable.  Even the best of jobs can get old after a while.  I understand you had a lot of client interface in that job, talk to me about that.”

“Well, yeah.”  It smiled and the grin grew even further past the confines of where its face should be.  “It was usually like them saying ‘No!  Not again!’ And after a while I had to really work with them to get that nice scream of total despair out of them.  I mean, after being down there for a while, the clients kind of need some special attention every once in a while, just to keep things fresh for them.  I always gave that extra mile for the clients.”  A large spark shot from its large right eye and hit the curled up end of its humongous metallic smile.  “I like to think of myself as a people person.”

“Well good!”  The man in the red suit continued to read.  “And before that, you were in the Mischief making department.  You got to go out onto the earth and spread misfortune.”

“Ah yes.  I liked that job.  The pay was lousy but I really liked my co-workers.  And my boss, Mr. Woe, he was a right hellion.  Happy hours were a real scream!”

“I bet.  So, you think you can do this?  We place people in jobs here and the jobs are carefully selected to cause mischief.  Do you think you can be both friend and tormentor to these people?  It takes someone special to pull off this job.  It’s a blend of psychology, sweetness and force.”

“I hear that you are the best so I’m sure you will be able to teach me.  But yes, I feel comfortable lying to these fresh souls.”

“Well it’s not really about lying, more about a careful presentation.”  The man looked at the thing while resting back in his chair.  “And I almost forgot.  We do have a dress code here: ‘Business Casual.’  And you generally need to conform to a human appearance.  We’re all former earth souls here and it’s become customary.  Is that a problem for you?  It’s a bit of a lifestyle change, I understand.”

“I’m sorry.  No one mentioned it.  No, no problem at all.  I’ll change now, if you don’t mind.”

The man waved his hand.  “There’s a bathroom right across the hall if you want some…”  The thing had already sprung across the hall and ripped the door off of the woman’s room, eliciting a shriek from inside. “…privacy.”

He could see across the hall that the creature shrank so it could fit in the stall.  A hail of blue sparks shot around the bathroom as the creature assumed a human appearance.  Out of the stall came a small woman with straight black hair, and straight cut bangs.  Her small bust was further hidden by the pinstriped skirt suit.

She walked back into the office and asked, “Is this ok with the dress code?”

“Yes.”  His surprise was evident through his glasses, though he was more amused than shocked. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve a few more questions.”

“Sure.”

“Well, I was wondering what kind of job you would like, under ideal circumstances.”

“You know, I’ve always wanted a job like this.  From what the big man tells me, it’s really about getting the earthly people to be wicked by employing them in select jobs and then send their tainted souls down here.”  She motioned to her resume.  “If I could be permitted to sell myself, I have the requisite skills and have always risen to the top in the positions I’ve held.  In mischief making, I was always very crafty at tricking people into ill will, or putting them in a frame of mind to sin.  Of course, in my last job, I had to fill some time in the nightmare section.  We did a lot of hunting there, and I really like the feeling of giving someone a good, bloody death.”

The man sat back in his chair and put his index fingers to his mouth.  “You know, that’s very interesting.  So, would you describe yourself as sadistic?”

“Oh, sure!  I’m a total sociopath, and I always take great pleasure in coming up with new and interesting ways to kill.”  Her girlish face showed a trace of her former wild unconstrained smile as she talked.  “I can’t wait for the opportunity to go after fresh meat on the surface, though.”  She practically purred. “I hear that they have particularly lovely screams.”

He leafed through the resume, scowling.  “Yes, I can see you are a very talented tormenter, and you do come highly recommended.  Well now, the challenge for me is to see if I can put you to the best possible use.”  He snapped the resume on the table.  “So, do you have any questions for me?”

“Well, I understand that the staff here is almost entirely former tormented souls that got out of their respective torture by agreeing to work with us.”

“Something like that.  In fact, all of our recruiters are former ‘top-siders’ like myself. But you would be our first full demon working here.  I hope that won’t be a problem.  The Big D wants us to have a more diverse workforce.”

“I’d have no problems working with you blackened souls.  I’m sure we can all get along.”

“While we’re on the subject of diversity, I want to mention that we’ve also just added a bunch of souls from limbo for our routine office work.  They are boring guys, but they keep the place running smoothly.”

“Really?  How does that work?”

“Well, if we don’t have them doing any actively evil work, they can be used for organizing duties.  Gives them something to do and helps Shelly out a ton!  We call them a ‘soft asset.’  So, before we wrap up the interview, is there anything else?”

She put on a fake smile that, again, was a touch too wide for her human face. “Actually, I’m a little confused.  The big man was talking to me like I’d already gotten the position and talking to you was kind of a formality.”

He smiled.  “As I said, you came highly recommended.  If you’d like, you can wait in the lobby.  I need to make a phone call.”  He got up out of his chair and extended his hand.

“Uh, Ok.”  She got up and shook his hand and made her way out through the hole in the wall.

He called after her.  “Um, could you…?”

He made a motion to the hole and she said, “Oops, Right.”  For someone so small and slight she displayed every bit of her previous strength by lifting the large slab of wall and fitting it into place as best she could.

The man looked at what used to be his office door and shook his head.  Picking up the receiver, he hit the first speed dial and was almost instantly connected.  “Yes, is this Nancy?  Hi!  Nice to talk to you again.  I was wondering if I could talk to the big D, please.  Is he busy?”

He leaned back in his chair and smiled.  “Thanks, Nancy.  Oh, and before I forget, thanks for the fast work on those reports.”  He nodded.  “Yes, I’ve got my staff poring over them as we speak.  I really appreciate it.  You run a tight ship there. Oh, and before I forget, those souls we got from limbo are a really great addition to my clerical staff.  They are fantastic office drones.  …  He’s free now?  Ok.  Of course, I’ll hold.”

He sat up in his chair and said, “Hello, Sir. …Yes, this is about the applicant you sent over. … Yes, Demongo.  … I agree, Sir. A charming girl. … Yes, a real go getter.”  A frown crossed his face as he listened.  “I understand that you want more actual Demons in high positions here at Idle Hands, but, … Well, yes.  But that’s the issue, isn’t it?  Since most of us, myself included, used to be surface people, we know how to work with ‘em.”

The phone chatted in his ear.  “Well, I’m glad that you are so interested in our project that you would like to franchise, but it’s really a subtle technique, and I’m afraid that Demongo is too heavy handed and sadistic for the system here.  I’m afraid that I’d like to decline your generous offer to have her on my staff.”

Great gouts of flame poured from the telephone’s earpiece, completely incinerating the man’s face and head.  As soon as the flames died down the man’s eyeballs re-grew out of dark red smoke.  While the rest of his head was coalescing from the same dark smoke, the eyes blinked in astonishment.  With his one hand still holding the telephone receiver, his other created a new set of sunglasses.

Putting the sunglasses over his wide eyes he said, “Sir, I can see your point.  Clearly, I’ve overlooked something in this girl that you cherish.  I’ll give her a shot, but if she doesn’t work out, I want to know that I can get rid of her.  I don’t want to compromise my efficiency by having to handle a problem employee.  I’m sure you can understand the importance of what we are doing here.”

The line was silent for a while then spoke.  The man heard the words and said, “Thank you.  I will set up a test for Demongo right away, so she can get a fair evaluation of her skills and,” he paused slightly at this last word, “temperament.”

He smiled and stroked his goatee.  “Yes sir, she will start in the morning.”

🙂 😦 😉

Idle Hands – Episode 3 –The New Girl – Part 2

[Author’s note: This is the second Idle Hands story, though the “episode” numbering is 3.  Long story, If I reorganize this to be a real serial, This bit might even go first.  In any event, I’m cutting it up into three sections just like Crabtree for the sake of convenience.

If this is a story you like, please give me likes on comments.  So far, the serial after The Strange (which is by no means done, is between this, more strange, Crabtree and a couple of other projects I’m working on.  I’d like to know what people like, so I’m asking.  I know my wife likes Idle Hands the best and that’s a strong vote for, but being evil is difficult.  🙂

What’s also difficult is getting the word out.  Please, if you like what you see here, tell a friend, or a stranger, or a friendly stranger or a strange friend.  I’m not advertizing and having days where no one is visiting me but spambots and my mom (hi mom) is a little… Well, it doesn’t help me churn out more words.

Thanks.  That’s it.   Stay Weird.

-SC ]